Greer: How to avoid a relationship entirely


Hayley Hochstetler/Iowa State Daily

Spending more time by yourself and avoiding unwanted relationships is a simple way to achieve lonely bliss. If you are having trouble getting there just try a few socially unaccepted behaviors. 

Sam Greer

You’re strolling along the sidewalk with your close (and incidentally, quite attractive) friend, when your phone buzzes obnoxiously. You dredge it out of the depths of your backpack and unlock the screen; an acquaintance has texted you a multitude of winking faces and the words “hot damn, is that your boyfriend?” You ignore your predatory friend and drop the phone back into the pit of your backpack.

Today’s society clearly expects our generation to be constantly on the prowl. If you’re not a natural hunter, terrified by the idea of becoming emotionally attached and too possessive of your dignity (or too afraid of getting a kidney stolen) to try an online dating site, I have some suggestions that will help you overcome the need for human interaction and avoid the relationship scene entirely. These tips will help anyone in search that dreamed-of solitary lifestyle.

Start being a completely blunt and honest person. Most people will only be honest when the truth does not endanger their social status or they stand to gain something by being “nice.” So quit being nice. I like to think true friends appreciate true candor, and any associates that are offended by the truth aren’t worth your time. Is your best friend’s firm-figured boyfriend a scumbag? Tell her. In the long run, she’ll avoid some heartache and learn to appreciate the truth, and your black eye will eventually fade to green and disappear.

Next helpful tip for achieving lonely bliss: stop talking. If you are forced into an absolutely unavoidable social situation, sit silently in the corner as far away from others as possible. You know that inevitable movie scenario when a character approaches the tall, dark stranger in the corner and accuses them of being seductively mysterious? This is real life: No one even wants to make eye contact with the silent, scary kid in the corner, let alone approach you and strike up a conversation.

If you’re a serial gym hitter, always go alone and always be loud. If you’re benching, make ungainly groaning noises every time you extend your arms. Contrary to popular belief, ladies aren’t seduced by the “I am muscleman, hear me roar” routine, and when the ladies (who are constantly expected to be demure creatures of grace) loudly profess their physical superiority, it’s certainly unsettling and maybe a little hilarious. If you’re just relaxing on a bike machine, inhale and exhale forcefully through clenched teeth like you’re excreting an inflated pufferfish.

Next, just stop going anywhere. Don’t leave your room for anything but business of the utmost importance. Hoard Ramen noodles and Nutella. Being a recluse makes avoiding social interaction (and consequently meeting someone perfect and unattainable) very simple. The easiest (and my absolute favorite) way to do this is to develop a relationship with someone who will never break your heart: a fictional character. I swear by the Winchesters’ fine posteriors, Netflix may offer some of the most painless and rewarding relationships you will have ever.

The dating scene can be a terrifying place — who wouldn’t rather avoid it entirely? If you’re tormented by the possibility of meeting “that special someone” and want to skirt the tedious task of social interaction entirely, give these strategies a shot. I hope my tips have simplified the task of cutting the cord that emotionally connects you to your fellow humans, simplifying your life and easing your distraught nerves.