Free your phallus: remember your member

Brandon Blue

Well lads, you might be feeling a little left out what with the guest columnists writing exclusively to those in possession of female anatomy.

Here’s a quick test to see if this article is for you. If you’ll stretch your waistband out a moment — preferably not if you’re in the middle of lecture — you might notice what is called a penis. I understand that years of calling it “Little (insert name here)” or “Thor’s Hammer” may have caused you to forget its true name, but in the spirit of maturity, we’ll call it your penis.

If between your legs you find no penis, don’t worry! Liz and Ahna have written you two fantastic articles already. Read them now.

But if you do indeed find an ex-Thor’s Hammer — and I assure you that you alone ever referred to it as such — keep on reading this one.

In their first article, Liz and Ahna have an intriguing gender dichotomy they deconstruct: “Women hate sex and men can’t get enough.” They go on to say that women discuss sex more with their friends than do men.

And ultimately, I have to agree with that. Because most guys talk about their penises, not sex, when they’re together. I hate to break it to us, gentlemen, but the earth orbits the Sun, not our genitals. And no, renaming the sun “My Penis” doesn’t cut it. Your friendly astronomy department here at Iowa State will verify that.

You’ll hear it said that clitorises contain 8,000 nerve endings. The general figure tossed around for the male equivalent, the glans — also known as the “head” — is about 4,000. No worries; pleasure isn’t measured by nerve endings alone. Neither of you will know what the other feels, regardless.

And it’s not like you have two nerve endings, guys. You’ve got 2,000 times more! Take heart; the earth needn’t revolve around your penis for you to enjoy your own company. The depths of pleasures of the flesh are open to you as well.

And the advantage that you do have, guys, is that you don’t need an “Energizered” Rabbit, you don’t need a ball pit where the balls are comfy pillows and you don’t need to spend half an Xbox to pleasure yourself.

Gay, straight or transgender; mechanic, philosopher or president, we all masturbate. Jackson Browne famously sang about “Rosie,” and I’d like to repeat his message. Sometimes when you turn out the light, guys, you have to hand it to you.

Tell your roommates that Rosie Palmer or even Palmela Handerson is coming over, and you need the room for a little bit. Then lock the door and prop a chair against it, because chances are that they’ll be oblivious to the fact that you need some intimate time with the best guy in your life.

But let’s say you’re in a happy relationship, and you prefer the company of your partner to the cold isolation of furiously masturbating between your roommate’s classes.

Firstly, selflessness is always appreciated in bed. When the Lust Beast has you in its maw, I know it’s difficult to think of this, but as Liz and Ahna point out, sometimes your “mind-blowing cunnilingus” just blows. So mean it. Remember that song “It’s In His Kiss?” It’s applicable here too, lads.

That’s not to say that you don’t deserve some tender love and care yourself, only that it shouldn’t come at the expense of your partner’s pleasure. Be genuine. What’s to lose?

Secondly, talk about your penis. Talk about touching it. Talk about what feels good.

That doesn’t mean you should strike up a conversation about your penis on the bus. Don’t ask the driver if he needs to see your penis’ card to let you on the bus.

It means you need to talk to your partner about what’s good and what’s not. Let’s just say that “Thor’s Hammer” isn’t just made out of wood. Some parts more finely crafted deserve a little more care.

Thirdly, don’t expect something from your partner of which the equivalent you’re unwilling to reciprocate.

I once had a conversation with a colleague who told me that he refused to give his girlfriend cunnilingus when she wanted it because he didn’t want to touch her urethra with his tongue. Naturally he expected fellatio as if it were a right.

Take a wild guess as to the state of their relationship today.

And lastly, no matter if the Lust Beast has you in a death roll, guys, abuse is not the answer. Nothing good can possibly come of it. As Liz herself pointed out in a Daily article from October, abuse “doesn’t have to be bruised faces or broken bones.” Emotional abuse and sexual abuse are problems, too.

Treat each other with respect. Not only is abuse despicable for legal and ethical reasons, but I’d also hesitate to call any abuser a man. No man abuses his partner. Do you really want to be thought of as worse than Ed Peletier from “The Walking Dead?”

Guys, maybe only you know your valleys and peaks — or just your peak — the best. Perhaps you’d rather be in the hands of a trusted partner. Whatever the case, know that your pleasure is important, too.