the last time i saw him

i didn’t know it would be

the last time i saw him.

we drove down an old dirt road

and smoked a joint in his car-

because it doesn’t get more iowa

than that.

reaching through the smog we had created,

his palm met my cheek.

his fingers through my hair,

pulling me close,

kissing me,

tugging,

sweating,

moaning,

and sighing-

“i love you”

how many mountains did i climb

to hear him say those words?

is that why i said it back?

i think life does that sometimes, ya know?

creates a journey more exciting

than the destination.

a pregame more fun

than the party.

a mountain

more scenic

than the peak.

i saw him.

a small pool on a hot summer day

but the closer i came,

the harder i fell and found

he was only a mirage.

an illusion of desire

aligned in my eyes

just for a moment.

for so long

he built walls

i could never break down,

yet here i am

summiting the impossible,

wishing i would’ve said something else.