As part of the liberal Democrat movement in America that belongs to the LGBT community and ardently opposes organized religion, I obviously enjoy three things above all else:

1. Random, casual sex with multiple, anonymous partners of any gender.

2. Trampling religion and morality, especially when I donate any of my spare funds to Planned Parenthood.

3. Cocaine. And any number of mind-altering hallucinogens, really.

And you see, that is why I support Pixie Stix as this year’s Halloween candy of choice. For those of you who are looking to get a taste of my life, to take a walk on the wild side, Pixie Stix offer an amazing — yet, light and refreshing — trip.

I know I’m not the only one who has sat up late at night with my many, many … many hookers, snorting lines of this powdered, colorful substance. Some would call this an addiction, or even substance abuse. I call it “trick-or-oh-my-God-look-at-my-hands, man! … They’re-so-big!!”

Still, I must admit that the best part of snorting these stacks of nearly pure sugar is that when you cough for the rest of the evening, the mucus at the back of your throat will taste absolutely delicious. Mmmm, cherry.

Have you had your Pixie Stix yet? Sweet, dude. Peace and love, brother. *Sniiiiiiiiiiiiiff!*