Tetmeyer: Conservative genital crusade


Columnist Grant Tetmeyer satirizes conservative lawmakers’ push to exclude transgender athletes from competing in school sports. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Conservative lawmakers have renewed their desire to exclude transgender students from participating in school sports or receiving gender-affirming surgery. Since March, states such as Idaho, Arkansas, Florida, West Virginia and Texas have all introduced or are in the process of trying to pass legislation to deny Americans their God-given right to participate in scholastic physical activities and form bonds of friendship while representing their hometowns. But the steps they are taking have started to raise questions about their motives. 

I’m sure it is common knowledge that conservative lawmakers have been ramping up their efforts to prevent transgender students from enjoying the same team and individual sports that the rest of us enjoyed and most likely took for granted. But the proposed federal enforcement of such policies has sparked some concern among liberals, parents, children and any other sound-minded human beings. And it may even flip the QAnon conspiracy on its head. 

A group of conservative lawmakers have introduced a federal Natural Gender and Competition Separation Enforcement bill that aims to tighten restrictions on who may be included on middle and high school sports teams and creates a clear divide between the athletic interactions of the male and female sex. Some of the enforcement measures include hormone tests, psychological evaluations, doctor examinations and birth certificate examinations. But one measure has put many on edge.

The measure at issue would create a visual digital database that would house images of a student-athlete’s genitalia to provide photographic evidence that the athlete is truly the gender they claim to be in their athletic application. When pressed about the pedophilic nature of the measure, lawmakers are quoted as saying, “There is nothing sexual in nature at all about this measure. We simply want a comprehensive database of genital evidence so there is unequivocal proof of young athletes’ genders, despite what they may say they ‘identify as.’”

When asked who would have access to it, lawmakers responded, “It is open to anyone who may be concerned about the potential of an athlete competing under a false gender. All they need to do is submit a complaint and they will be granted access to that student’s photos, which they can then print out and present to the school for evidence.”

While some have questioned the methods, calling it sick, twisted, creepy, invasive and “smells of government pedophilia,” other groups such as the North American Man/Boy Love Association have cheered this development, claiming it as a win. “We have been subjugated and called ‘weird’ and ‘disgusting’ and ‘an affront to the progression of society.’ But this is a great step for all those who identify as youthsexual.” Even the elusive Q of the QAnon conspiracy chimed in to show support saying, “I have been telling you for a while that there were pedophiles in Washington. I simply encouraged the fight against liberal pedophiles so that we could make way for more respectable, God-fearing conservative pedophiles like Jeffery Epstein, Bill Barr and Donald Trump. These are the true champions of equal love.”

But this presents the query of what might be next. First, they look down our kids’ pants, then what? Will they look down your pants to make sure you’re “telling the truth”? Will they camp out in your toilet for the purpose of “conducting a search”? Will they march your kid off the playing field because they think they are the wrong gender, despite the core of this argument being rooted in bigotry and fear? Only time will tell. But for a party that champions small government, they sure are going to great lengths to expand big government’s scope.