Tetmeyer: Texas finally learns to drive in the snow

Columnist Grant Tetmeyer satirically reports about Iowans saving the day by driving down to Texas to teach them how to drive on icy paths. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece. 

It has been a hard week for Texas, dear reader. The entire state has frozen over, citizens are in a perpetual state of darkness and elected leaders either don’t know how to handle the consequences of their bad decisions or flee the state for a tropical vacation. But there is hope for these poor, abandoned souls. A group of Midwestern trades people, driving instructors and dads are headed to Texas to teach these Texans how to adapt to and survive the weather that simply makes the morning commute more annoying for those who live with it everyday. 

In case you don’t pay attention to the news, I don’t blame you. But to keep everyone informed, Texas was hit by a large winter storm that has essentially shut down the state. They do say everything is bigger in Texas, even though the weather that shut down an entire state is most Americans’ Monday morning during the winter months. This left the state with frozen and burst pipes, roads that look like Mad Max in the winter and a crippled power grid. And just like the rebel spirit that still lives in Texas, the state has its own independent power grid, essentially isolating the state and preventing it from being able to borrow power from other states. Though it does help them save money by not adhering to federal regulations. 

After days of rolling blackouts, roads that were closed or covered in wrecked cars and large, human-shaped popsicles popping up around the state, a coalition of Midwesterners has decided to pack up and move to the storm-battered state to preach the gospel of Midwesterner winter living. Some of the essential supplies they plan to bring with them include hot cocoa, quiet generators, long underwear, apple casserole, snow boots and bourbon. They also plan on bringing snow blowers and Midwestern salt, which we all know melts ice much faster than salt from other regions of the country. 

But they don’t plan on bringing only supplies. They also plan on bringing with them the fabled techniques of the snow-dwelling people that inhabit the Corn Belt. Most important is, of course, our ability to drive in snow no matter how deep it is. The group has told Texan lawmakers they plan to bring 100 driving instructors, and lawmakers have already planned to clear out 50 high school parking lots and turn them into driving schools. They hope to graduate 100 people a week once lessons get underway, which is much higher than the amount that normally pass their driving test the first time. They also bring the secret technique of the proper way to clear your driveway. This is a much more subjective technique and varies slightly from dad to dad.  

The most important thing to take away from this is the astonishment that a state like Texas would actually experience winter weather. Who would have thought this would ever happen? It is truly unimaginable to think that scientists, who have extensive training and have been warning us for decades, may have been right. Because really, what else could cause the climate to change so harshly and last for so long?