Though I realized your piece was written as satire, I felt the need to respond on behalf of those who did not catch on to this fashionably-late April Fools joke. Losing does indeed make me sad, but not nearly as sad as I felt after finding this article in the Daily.

When interviewing someone, it is helpful to ask a deep enough question so their response brings some knowledge to the table. For instance, I asked my roommate if he prefered sleeping on a mattress or on used needles. He chose the former, but we can all agree that no one outside of a heroine junky would have taken the needles.

You mentioned that we offer a great number of diversity-based scholarships, but say competition is not useful and therefore academic merit should not be considered. Are you saying that scholarships should be awarded to people soley on race and not on hard work or success? If so, calm down Jim Crow; let’s move forward in society.

While few people will receive any physical trophies later in life, people will earn metaphorical trophies, such as employment. Maybe in the Gumdrop Forest where your argument is valid, employers can just post resumes on a wall and throw darts at them. Whichever resume gets hit results in a brand-new job for some lucky person! When I say resume, I mean a sheet of paper with a name since accomplishments now mean nothing in this magical land. Unfortunately, we’re not cutting down lollipop trees outside the sea monkey hut because this is the real world.

And now that this article has received national attention from the likes of deadspin.com and several comedy twitter accounts, it makes me feel even more sad.

Actually, after re-reading this article, I am now confident you’re kidding. Good luck in life.