“Stop arguing.” I’ve been told this many time, whether it be by my sisters when arguing with my brother about the best Spider-Man villains or by so many teachers who have considered my objections distracting. I always return with a quick “Why?” to which I usually get a reply of “Arguing will get you nowhere” or “You don’t have to keep trying to prove how right you can be.”

When people say such things, I can’t help but think they might not have any idea what an argument is really about. The point of argumentation in the first place is not to let someone else know how right you are, but instead it is about putting your ideas and notions against those of someone else — and that requires both listening and speaking.

When people treat an argument as a chance to listen and learn instead of just a chance to tell everyone what they should know, it allows one person to interact and to experience the world from a viewpoint totally different from their own. This is a pretty exciting notion, as it allows you to let people learn and grow from your ideas as well. Unfortunately, some people forget about the part where they get to learn and focus on the part about telling everyone else their ideas.

If someone is only focusing on letting everyone else know something, they are actually just preaching. That is fine in its own time and place, but we must all realize that preaching is a one-way street. The preacher gains nothing from the encounter and will never be changed or altered by the audience. When the mentality of “I’m right, and you should just shut up and listen why” invades an argument, the whole reason for arguing vanishes. No longer can one expect to grow or learn from the world but instead is confined to their own views and viewpoint.

So often when people discuss issues from different viewpoints, they bring certain preconceived notions of their opposition to the argument with them. This can manifest itself in ideas like “I know why you support gay marriage. It’s because you don’t care about the sanctity of real marriages.” This can cause people to stop (or never start) listening to what someone else is saying. When this happens, people end up not arguing at all but instead find themselves simply speaking at another person, with little to no interaction ever happening.

There is also a more subtle effect that creates a self-reinforcing problem of animosity towards whoever you are talking to. When anyone is in an argument but isn’t actually listening to what someone else is saying, the interaction is severed, and the second person must either stop the dialogue or be put into a position of similar isolation while speaking at the first.

When someone starts speaking at somebody and a second person is speaking at them, both will undoubtedly feel like the other is being too dense to reason with because people will always want to blame someone else for being unreasonable. This blame will never fail to foster animosity between the two people and will destroy any sense of mutual respect that could be achieved.

When a person isn’t listening to someone else’s ideas, it is very easy to forget they may have some good ones. This will only reinforce the desire to preach at someone else, and will never get anyone to a place of interaction that can change their viewpoint of the world.

When, however, someone is listening to another person’s ideas, they may just find that theirs aren’t perfect. That is the essence of argumentation, and trust me, when you discover something new about the world or its workings because someone took the time to share their ideas with you, you won’t be upset about it. It really is an amazing thing when your view of the world is changed because of an interaction with another human being.

That changed view of the world, however, can only come from listening and to actually interacting with someone who is coming from a different perspective.