The recent activity related to the Daily’s printing of two “Just Sayin’” posts that used the term “squintey” highlights how valuable it can be to learn skills related to conflict management.

A number of students found the term “squintey” to be offensive and racist. Other students saw the term as a local custom (referring to squirrels) and then accused those who were offended of making false accusations, which were in themselves offensive. Fingers were pointed, people were outraged or amused, and all of this occurred within the realm of our campus newspaper — a standard bearer of the First Amendment located within our campus marketplace of ideas.

We can all agree that the First Amendment is a wonderful thing. Sadly, it seems that nowadays, many people prefer to exercise their First Amendment rights by sending a snarky letter that calls someone an idiotic boob or proclaims their opinion is worthless. The anonymity of columns like “Just Sayin'” make it easy for contributors to say something in print they would never say to someone’s face. But what value does a crude comment or an insult have in a discussion? Does it contribute to our understanding of the issues at hand?

We each view the world through our own individual perspective — but we tend to assume that everyone else sees it from our perspective too. If we run into someone with a different opinion, it’s all too easy to stridently defend our own view as the only one who’s reasonable and then pass judgment on the person who said something to the contrary.

This tendency was made clear to me in the book “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen (Viking 1999): “What I think about your intentions will affect how I think about you and, ultimately, how our conversation goes. The error we make in the realm of intentions is simple but profound: we assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t. Worse still, when we are unsure about someone’s intentions, we too often decide they are bad.”

This error is compounded by the fact that it is easy to fall back on emotion and insults when we feel challenged or threatened. It’s easy to jump to conclusions. It’s easy to forget about the concepts of civility and courtesy. But rather than making assumptions about someone’s intent and then getting offended or defensive, go ahead and respectfully ask them a question about it. If someone says something you find offensive, try saying something like this: “What you just said felt a little offensive to me. I don’t think you meant it that way, but could you help me understand what you’re thinking?”

How to respectfully manage a conflict or have a difficult conversation is part of the hard work of being an adult. It’s also a life skill many people tend to overlook as they acquire their education or work experience. I encourage everyone to take the time to do it now: take a class, read a book, practice, practice, practice. Parks Library has a great variety of books that will help you learn how to manage conflicts, and many of them can be found on the Book Lists of the Ombuds Office Resource Guide (www.instr.iastate.libguides.com/ombuds).

You don’t have to agree with everyone. But you should learn how to disagree gracefully and with respect.