I cannot for a moment believe anyone could, with a straight face, compare favorably the attractions and amenities in Iowa to those of New York City. If that column was satire, you got me. Several times I soiled myself in amused delight, and laughed so hard I even coughed up a few kittens.

Where do I even start? How about Jordan Creek Town Center?

Between my out-of-state friends and myself, we’ve all at some point been told by native Iowans that we just have to frequent Jordan Creek Town Center. After visiting it, I can say I haven’t been more let down since the time I found out Pearl Jam’s “Last Kiss” was just a cover song. While undoubtedly a modern and serviceable mall, part of me dies when Iowans glowingly praise this establishment with the same fervor ancient Egyptians would have used toward the pyramids. “The Jordan Creek Town Center: at least it’s not the North Grand Mall” would be a more fitting description of Iowa’s premiere shopping complex.

The cuisine in Iowa is about as basic as could exist. In Ames, aside from the chain restaurants and trashy bars on Welch, there is only a partial handful of unique or interesting eateries. That’s not to say I don’t like Hickory Park as much as the next guy who has no other options; it’s just sometimes I would like to be able to pay $20 for a decent meal without having to drive an hour to the metropolis of Des Moines.

In both my trips to the Big Apple, there was almost an obscene amount of variety of food for anyone’s budget. When the millions of immigrants sailed past the Statue of Liberty decades ago, they weren’t bringing their plethora of recipes and businesses to Iowa; those people largely settled down in cities like New York where their food can still be had to this day.

Entertainment between Iowa and NYC is not even an arguable topic. Dozens of national acts perform nightly in New York City, while in Iowa we get one or two per week; in Ames, we might get one or two a year. The occasional free night I have generally doesn’t fall on the night a quality act is in the area, while in New York, there is always something worth watching or hearing.

By my count, New York is home to at least 9 professional sports franchises while the state of Iowa has a single minor league team. Sure, Ames is home to mediocre college sports teams, and Iowa City may or may not have an athletics program, but it would be nice to enjoy the big leagues without the three-hour commute to the Twin Cities or Kansas City.

This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy Ames, and Iowa, in some capacity. Clean water, clear skies and Midwestern seasons are more important to me than immediate access to quality retailers and adequate entertainment. Rather than try to compare Iowa to one of the world’s most amazing cities, let’s appreciate Iowa for what it is: a scenic cornfield the rest of the nation would probably like to turn into a lake.