Bush was President. So was Dr. Geoffroy. Dan McCarney was football coach. We kind of sucked that year. 2002 gave us ‘The Run’ from Seneca Wallace, which was probably the best thing that will ever happen to Iowa State Football. We were also down eight against Florida State and got a touchdown robbed from us. Started that season 6 and 1, ended 7 and 7.

But that was the year before I was a freshman. The next year is when we went 2 and 10. Austin Flynn, yeah, wide frickin’ receiver Austin Flynn was our quarterback.

There was no University Boulevard. It was called Elwood Drive, after one Philip Homer Elwood. No big deal, he only founded the Landscape Architecture program. Oh, and Captained some field artillery in the First World War. No big deal. Let’s not rename it Cyclone Boulevard or Cardinal Ave or leave it the way it is. Nah, it’s better now that I have to describe the same thing to people with five more syllables.

When I was a Freshman, there were four of those suitcase monstrosities at the end of Welch Ave. Swanky digs – used to be upperclassmen-only, none of this ‘whoops, too many freshmen’ garbage you lucky ducks. I got stuck on the four floor of Friley hall, overlooking Lake Latrine and the lovely Friley kitchen entrances, because there’s nothing better to start your day with than the sweet, soothing sounds of trucks beeping and banging into god-knows-what at four in the morning.

All the better to slop your trough with! Head down the road for the best nine-dollar buffet west of the Mississippi!

That monstrosity of wasted space was brand spankin’ new my freshman year. The rice at the wok station as just as soggy then, the oatmeal, sub, and fried sandwiches still every bit as easy to sneak back to your dorm. I may have had something to do with the no rollerblade signs. Ever the studious, diligent freshman, I whizzed to and fro between Friley and classes in a pair of K2 fruit boots. I got sick of taking them off, especially considering the logistics of bringing a pair of flip-flops or whatever with me, and my stank-ass feet.

I’d gathered my usual daily tray of shame to horf down at the UDCC one fine October day. By now, I’d stopped bothering to take off my sweet blades at all, and even had a bit of a guerilla movement going with some like-minded individuals. You can imagine the surprise that came to me while nursing one of five of those worthless two-ounce sippy cups they pass off as glasses full of chocolate milk when I noticed I’d been SURROUNDED by five people in business-casual attire and all sorts of gadgets and doo-dads plugged into their heads.

“Sir, could you remove your rollerblades please?”

Mind you, I was sitting down.

“Well, sure,” I said, “but I’m still eating?”

They were incensed!

“Do you not have any other footwear?”

“Your skates are a safety hazard,” interjected another, “What if you get going too fast and run into somebody?”

Well, I wasn’t planning on shreddin’ the caf’ to impress babes on the way out. Fruit boots don’t impress the babes. 

After reasoning with the J. Crew, we’d reached an agreement – no ‘blades in the UDCC, and I could finish shoveling chicken nuggets into my face.

So yeah, those neon ‘No Rollerblades’ signs? Freshman year.

Headliners was People’s Bar and Grill, and there was a dive bar below called Lumpy’s. 20/20 used to be Bali Satay House (they still serve the same food, I think), Chicha Shack was a Quiznos, Snack in the Face was a costume shop, the theater actually showed decent movies, the space next to that was a purse store and skateboard shop within the same year, and Jeff’s Pizza was about five different Mexican restaurants. The shoestore between Mickeys and Copyworks was open, Dairy Queen used to be where Fighting Burrito is, which used to be called Flying Burrito, which used to be over by Chinese Homestyle Cooking, which is over across from where Taco Bell was. Capones was a club called MoJazz, Mother’s was a club called The Boheme, Sgt. Peppers used to be called Phuel, and I forget what it was called before that, because when I was a Freshman we had awesome house parties and didn’t bother going to the bars. Oh, and most used to have any coin, any drink specials. Thanks, Ames City Council! Pita Pit had just opened, there was a Blimpies where Battles is now, Battles was where Mongolian Grill is. Welch Crown Center used to be just another McDonalds.

When I was a Freshman, there were bushes around the fountain at the Memorial Union. Someone, somewhere, thought those stupid chain fences would look better. If I ever won the lottery, I might consider wasting some money on getting the University to get rid of those damn things. All of them.

Enjoy your adventure.