Before you go changing your status and facing that pathetic broken heart icon or the barrage of comments from people who’ve long been out of your life, take a look at what your relationship status is really saying to the world:

Single: “I’m single … and looking. Seriously. Notice me. Getting a little desperate here.”

Married to your best friend: You think you’re too cool for this whole status business, but at the same time, you don’t want to just get rid of it.

In a relationship with a bar/job/whatever: … actually, this pretty much says it all.

In an open relationship: At least one of you is in denial about where your “casual fling” is going.

It’s complicated: … really? You wanted to advertise your sucky relationship to the world? Or maybe you’re just a drama lover who didn’t want to address the problem face to face with your sweetheart.

In a relationship with (name of sweetheart): “Hey! Tell us how cute we are! And comment on our album of kissing photos while you’re at it!”

In a relationship: Either you don’t care about showing off your significant other’s name … or you’re the other woman/man.

Engaged: OK, this is legit. You’ve got big things going on in your life, and you want the world to know. Congrats!

Married: What’s the point? Everyone probably already knows — even if you didn’t change your name, there’s that other human you’re always hanging around with.

No status: You’re either way too concerned with the off chance that some potential employer might look at your page one day, or maybe you’re just disillusioned with Facebook. Or maybe you think you’re cool and mysterious — a secret relationship perhaps? Or maybe you’re one of the staffers writing this story.