Across the globe, football players’ lives are splashed across newspapers. They are demigods revered and reviled and we are told by the media that we should care what professional athletes are getting up to in their spare time.

Of course this article is inspired by recent events in Ames, but all across the world athletes are in papers more frequently for their off court or field antics rather than their in-game performance.

But why do we care so much? What impact does the indefinite banning of a college ball player have on our lives?

I would like to suggest an audit into the personal lives of medical students and accounting majors. I demand to know exactly what kinds of inappropriate behavior they are getting up to on their weekends in college. I want to be able to google my doctor’s name and find in their college paper all the naughty little indiscretions that plagued them during their time at university. These people will have our lives and our livelihoods in their hands; I need to know what kind of person is delving into my financial and physical nooks and crannies.

Moreover, I think it is time that architecture majors are brought to task for their drunken and philandering ways. Did you know that just this weekend, an architecture student was arrested for public intoxication. Not only was he not brought to task by any of the societies to which he belongs, but there was no analysis of what this will mean for his studio class and group work in the Iowa State Daily.

I expect my future children to find people between the ages of 18 and 22 for role models, because I know that young male athletes are the epitome of good behavior and wise decisions. Forget allowing young people to make mistakes and learn life lessons in the relatively safe and controlled environment that is college life; make examples of their mistakes, put their pictures on the front page of the paper. Make a stand; I personally will not stand for a young person living the college lifestyle.

But above all else, it is we the journalists — the fourth pillar if you will — who need to take stock. Heading into a career that is infamous for heavy drinking and late nights, we really need to start organizing some quality keggers and flippy-cup tournaments to prepare ourselves for the industry.

But not those athletes, oh no, they really need to pull their socks up, straighten up and fly right. Cyclones fans must unite against fun times in the off-season because there truly is nothing more disheartening than seeing young people having a good night out.

Obviously this article is written tongue-in-cheek, and with respect to endangering the lives of oneself and/or others through illegal behavior there must be appropriate consequences. Thus I feel that the Ames City Police Department is obligated to recommend punishment for such illegal and dangerous behavior. Therefore any punishment deemed necessary by leaders within the college ought to be accepted gracefully and without complaint; as has occurred to the best of my knowledge.