In an attempt to ward off any criticism about being man-hating feminists, sex with a partner can be great. That said, the next 500 or so words are dedicated to the date that will never let you down: your own two hands and Duracell.

Guess what? Women touch themselves — and not just when they’re in the shower. Masturbation is a natural and empowering way to feel good about your inner-most self. We do it. We like it. Get over it.

My hands are perfectly capable of opening my own doors. They are also capable of getting into my own pants; I may or may not ask for help. But that’s for me to decide and you to find out.

Ladies first is good in theory and on paper. Sometimes, it’s good in bed. Most of the time it’s a half-hearted attempt at “seducing” us into letting you go all the way; it ends up being about you, not us. I can tell the difference between your best efforts at making me orgasm and you just wanting to get off.

Hot tubs and warm baths are great for self-love. And you ought to love yourself.

I can fake it and you can’t tell, because sometimes I’d rather just get it over with and go watch TV than have to put up with some lame attempt at mind-blowing cunnilingus. If you’re certain your partner has never faked it, check out the orgasm scene in “When Harry Met Sally,” it may change your mind.

I’ve been touching myself since kindergarten. So stop trying the crap you learned in men’s health magazines, and let me show you how to get it done.

Here’s a gender dichotomy to deconstruct: Women hate sex and men can’t get enough. Women hate sex because men can’t get us off — or at least aren’t very willing to try. Frankly, women spend more time talking about sex with their friends and preparing for it than our male counterparts.

Women: We would like to challenge you to speak out. Liberate your labia: Talk about your vagina and clitoris. Talk about touching it. Talk about what feels good and talk about what doesn’t. Your vagina will thank you.

And yes, we used the word “vagina” twice just then. Go ahead, say it. Because you shouldn’t be afraid to use the actual word for your genitals. Seriously.

Ladies, if you want to spend a satisfying night in, all it takes is clean hands, short fingernails, the Energizer Bunny and some comfy pillows — and explicit instructions for your roommate to knock. You can take as long as want. You can make it as quick as you want. And you don’t have to worry about any “refractory” periods.

For all you relationship people: Sex is only as exciting as you make it. Change it up, spice it up, but always do so safely.

If you think condoms are gross, stick with someone you can absolutely trust: yourself. If he won’t put it on, you shouldn’t have to put it in.

You can get from 0 to 60 in 30 seconds on your own. With someone else, you’ll have to allot 10 or more minutes unless you have a three-way with you, yourself and your partner.

Stay tuned for the next installment — The Gift that Keeps on Giving: Sex Toys and You.