It’s amazing the extent to which people will go in order to get laid.

The desire to get it on isn’t itself surprising — I’d be more surprised if someone was trying not to get a little action — but the means by which people think will assist them to get some touch are certainly laughable or lamentable, depending on where you stand.

As this is the inaugural installment of this column, I thought I’d set the stage in a robust fashion with an evening I spent observing and interacting with some fellow college folk involving themselves in what could, at best, constitute a primitive mating dance akin to a peacock.

Yes, that’s right, I went to a dance club to watch guys flock to the daring, darling baby-dolls willing to shake their rumps on the dance floor despite the propensity of men-folk to attempt some behind-the-scenes injection of their manhood into the equation.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against these poor attempts at pickups many blokes undertake. I am a firm believer that if you are girl — blonde, tall, dark, small, any kind of dreamboat at all — and are at a dance club, then you know you’re going to have guys making moves on you.

Whether you went there with sexual provocation as the goal or just to dance your troubles away, girls, you have to accept your body is bouncing in a sea of intoxicated beaus being led by their like-minded, single-eyed heads. If you don’t like that, stay home and dance in front of a mirror.

But back to the miscreants on the dance floor, the “dancing” most men try to partake in is just plain lame; your dance moves are no better than a child incessantly wiggling, except that the child doesn’t comprehend you’re laughing at it — maybe you don’t either.

Women have a natural grace — even the clumsy ones — that doesn’t translate to the majority of Y chromosomes. Women can shimmy their hips and sway ever-so-slightly and suddenly a guy is standing ready and at attention, so to speak; not to mention when a gal has a guy behind her and they are grinding even remotely: “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

With the ease of arousal in mind — I personally decide in the first two seconds of seeing a girl if I want to sleep with her — somehow guys out there haven’t figured out that they now need to really impress those tantalizing hotties seemingly begging for a partner with something more than the ridiculous notion instilled since youth that “being yourself” is good enough. That piece of advice is pure fiction. It’s right up there with “it’s what’s inside that counts” — pure poppycock.

The primary mistake I will address involves the natural guy tendency to swarm. Back in the day, groups of men would go out to hunt prey. Nowadays, we’ve still got our hunting instincts — sometimes I still like to track cougars — and we men-folk tend to still hang out in groups, but when it comes to catching some nubile minx, two is company, three is just plain failure.

The trick is to isolate the girl from the rest of the pack of admirers by getting her to come to you; and since today’s topic is dance clubs, this means you’ve got to have all the right moves or run an alpha-male game strong enough to overcome the thumping tunes that will, and I stress will, drown out any attempts at clever conversation you might try whispering into the babe’s ear. For now, we’ll focus on the dancing and leave the word-based game to a series of future articles.

For starters, this pick-up method involves learning some simple dance moves, and I don’t mean the Cabbage Patch. Those fun and crazy dance moves that endear the dames to the dweebs in the box-office hits are in the movies for a reason — honestly, do you actually believe the hot chick is going to fall for the short, fat guy because he was willing to let loose and shake like an epileptic, hmmm? If you said yes, go home and buy yourself a Flesh Light.

Discovering some dance moves doesn’t require you take ballroom classes, but that isn’t a bad idea. Start watching some basic hip-hop or swing-style videos. Both give you enough rudimentary knowledge to be leaps and bounds ahead of the bros using only the fist-pump or grinding their package against some broad’s backside.

Also realize that you are going to spend time dancing in front of a mirror. If you think this is too lame for you, then don’t bother reading. But guys, at least try asking some women you may be lucky enough to count as friends whether they would prefer to have a bumbling baboon timidly or outwardly trying to cop a feel, or would they like a skilled hand suggestively skimming the small of their back then gliding along her side to caress her midriff while guiding her in sync to the music. Get the picture?

It involves work. You have to study. You have to put forth effort. But if you aren’t getting any action and you want some, well, this is a method  that works. Don’t believe me? Fine, I don’t really care if you get any; it just means even more action for those of us willing to try and look at what women want, rather than just praying some chick is bored enough to go ahead and settle for your unrefined techniques — tough love and all that.

Now that you’ve taken the time to learn some basic moves, which could require weeks, you have to go try them. You are going to look stupid when you begin, but you have to go forward and keep plugging at it if you want to engage in some shared carnal activity.

The great part about all this work and study is that everything you learn can be built upon and expanded; everything you get will just make you better and more able to get down and dirty even more.

It could, of course, be argued that the guys out dancing are really there just to have fun; it could also be argued the Tea Party’s ideas make sense, but we all know that both those arguments are just plain silly.

So, there you have it — a quick look into the ridiculous attempts of most men trying to score with the honeys through dancing at a club.

In future articles, I may address issues more from a woman’s perspective or even from a non-heterosexual perspective; all you have to do is send me questions you want answered about the party scene, and I will personally test or have my compatriots test them out in the field.

Cheers.