My parents took me to church every Sunday, and I mean every Sunday. I’d say I logged a few hundred hours as a good Christian when I was a kid.

I’ve always been a skeptic. Nobody really “sold” me, I guess, or maybe I’m bitter toward whatever god people insist runs this mess we’re in. I guess enjoying my adventure as a biology major helps me embrace my heathenism, but that’s not to knock the believers.

If people want to wake up on the only built-in hangover day of the week to get all spiffed up and hang out with a few other like-minded folks who all believe they need to sing bad songs and eat crackers and drink grape juice while professing to love the zombie-son-savior-earthen-incarnation of the magical man in the sky responsible for all existence who loves you but will send the metaphysical component of your being to a lava pit for all eternity because women can talk a man into doing anything, no matter how stupid that may be, that’s fine with me. Awesome.

I’m not one of those quack atheists that insists on mucking up our sham of a legal system with frivolous lawsuits about what my little snowflake recites in the classroom, but it’s a valid point. I don’t mind proselytizing on the money, but “… one nation, indivisible… ” got it right the first time.

If I’ve lost your friendship because of that teensy statement, dear reader, let me ask you something: Do you say the last lines of the pledge like you’re proud of your country, or like you’re reading them from a list? People tend to drone through the whole thing in a “duhn duhn duhhhhhhhhh” sort of cadence, but that’s for another column, dear reader, and not why we’re here.

If someone wants to adhere to ethical standards arbitrarily plucked from the pages of the Bible, that’s their decision, but I’m tired of conservatives trying to placate the religious right by legislating “Christian values.”

Stumping on a platform of fiscal responsibility and tax reform can be difficult, especially when one belongs to a party that preaches both yet facilitates neither. Both sides of the aisle are equally at fault for allowing sensationalism to take precedence over pragmatic discourse, but the right-wing spin machine deserves a prize for sheer hysteria.

Rather than giving straight answers to real problems, we’re force-fed diatribes about the evils of social issues that don’t have the Jesus stamp of approval.

Isn’t part of the privilege of religious freedom the freedom to choose which religion to follow?

I’m of the opinion that legislating “Christian values” takes the choice out of that equation, never mind the buffet mentality modern Christians follow when deciding which parts of the good book best suit their needs.

The Bible says a lot of wacky things in regards to slave-owning and how to deal with Aunt Flo in the same sentences embraced by conservatives as justification for their crusade against equal rights for “the gays.” I guess the parts where flat-nosed or blind people can’t worship at the altar of God, that you’re not supposed to cut your hair or shave, or that you’re supposed to kill someone for not adhering to your religion doesn’t help in the clout department.

That’s something that’s never ceased to amaze me — lots of religious people seem really proud to be part of their fan club, but not too keen on reading or following the handbook.

If religion brings you comfort and solace, gives you some sense of purpose in this crazy life, that’s fantastic. More often than not, however, people thump their Bibles with self-righteous indignation in a smug display of vanity-paying dividends — socially and politically.

I say keep the words of the Bible where they belong: in the Bible, and out of the law books.