This will be progressively less funny. Just like “Saturday Night Live” or “The Simpsons.” Fear not, Daily faithful — there will be no guest appearances by Ke$ha. 

Between “Halo: Reach” and the new zombies campaign for “Red Dead Redemption,” I’m not sure what’ll take the bigger hit — your girlfriend’s morale or your GPA.

Remember when the History and Discovery channels were actually, you know, interesting? I think they assumed their entire demographic had a stroke or maybe moved south of the Mason-Dixon line. Motorcycle assembly and thrift-store roadtrips aren’t exactly interesting.

To be fair, they’re a lot classier than TLC. Not that exploiting people with disabilities or zany religious values — people content to trade their privacy and dignity for spectacle — isn’t the epitome of class.

We get Esquire Magazine at my house. In other news, magazines still exist.

Proud Southerners might be the most uninformed people on the planet. I like how they still have that flag around like they’re proud of it, like they could afford to own people if they wanted to. We hand them their asses in what was somehow the only civil war we’ve ever had, and it was to keep them around? I say let ‘em secede. 

Just kidding, southern out-of-staters. Thanks for the tuition! Enjoy your adventure!

If you’re one of the five people that bothered to read my “Star Wars” article, I have a confession — I used more colorful language to describe the suck that was the latest Indiana Jones sequel. It rhymes with “schmishmorshin.” It’s funny because it’s true.

Likelihood of turning into Skynet, in ascending order: Twitter, Craigslist, WebCT, Amazon, eBay, Wikipedia, Google, Google and Google. They’re watching us … right now …

An Islamic community center in proximity to where the World Trade Center used to be is far less an affront to 9/11 than the idiots trying to spin it as such. If you take offense to that statement, search “Palestine” on Wikipedia and shut up.

Am I a bad person for thinking Netflix should include “Passion of the Christ” in the Zombies genre?

We should all stop pretending we like everybody we meet. I’m not saying fart in their general direction, but saying things to someone’s face is better than saying it behind their back. It’s more fun, too.

RJ’s one-sentence book review of the week: You should read “Ender’s Game,” it’s awesome.

People complain too much these days. Customer service has been politically corrected into utter ridiculousness. When I was a younger lad, I lifeguarded at the pool at Ames High during noon lap swim. I had elderly ladies complaining to me about how cold the showers were, as if I held the cartel on warm water and was withholding it for diabolical purposes. 

Likelihood of sorority involvement, in ascending order: Michelle, Megan, Sarah, Kelly, Lindsey, Alex, Kelsie, Katie, Audrey, Katelyn, Kaleigh, Kaylee, Quinn, Brynn.

Philosophy, psychology, and sociology majors that don’t plan on attending graduate school should probably pick up a minor in buying lottery tickets. Just sayin’.

Science fact of the week: “Vagina” is Latin for scabbard, or sword-sheath. Don’t tell the feminists.

Why is Memorial Stadium at the University of Nebraska artificially turfed? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.