If you’ve ever pondered the cost of your soul/dignity, DPS pays $13.88 an hour for Parking Enforcement.

The aftertaste of every Miller-brand beer reminds me of licking a nine-volt battery.

I admire a girl with morals and boundaries, but if you gave your word to stop at third, know this: That’s like flying to Orlando and not going to Disney World. The beach is nice, but everybody loves Mickey.

The “Freebird” Campanile movement is in full swing. Yes. We. Can.

Know what sucks more than WebCT? Paying $50 for the “Mastering” series of online homework.

Greg Giraldo died? Really? Not Dane Cook? Not Carlos Mencia? Come on.

If you consider yourself a “germaphobe” or think you have a particularly high standard of cleanliness, allow me to dazzle you with microbiology: The number of bacteria hanging out in your body is an order of magnitude higher than the “you” cells in your body. What’s that about a five-second rule?

The Iowa Board of Pharmacy recommended marijuana be reclassified for medicinal use. In February. In other news, your doctor can write you a prescription for cocaine.

My girlfriend doesn’t understand why I think the Double Stuf Oreos are hilarious…

I come from a day and age where you got beat up for having Pokemon cards. I remember those stupid Tamagotchi keychain “pets” that would die every three days because you didn’t feed it at 3 in the morning.

Did you hear Nebraska’s playbook got stolen? The offense was really upset — they hadn’t finished coloring it.

Why does the current GOP leadership advocate expanding the government, impinging upon civil liberties and thumping its Bible? I want my party back.

The thing I’ll miss the most when I leave Ames? Thai Kitchen.

If you’re one of my ex-girlfriends and you think every column I write is an opportunity to write a letter to the Daily telling everyone I’m a jerk, it’s not. Everybody already knows that.

SPOILER ALERT: If you’re confused about the end of “Inception,” let us think: Does Michael Caine’s character ever appear inside of a dream? Does Leonardo DiCaprio’s character wear his wedding ring outside of a dream? The top was wobbling for a reason.

Newspaper columns don’t get you babes unless your name is Jason Arment. Especially this one.

I don’t understand why people think the rich should shoulder a higher tax burden than anyone else. Having things does not mean the government reserves the right to take more out of your pocketbook. Everybody should pay their fair share. The problem doesn’t lie with money, it lies with the system.

Speaking of national debt, we might as well start calling that number “a bajillion” dollars.

Does the Taliban have a beekeeper fetish?

In 50 years, people will consider “Idiocracy” to be a documentary, and they’ll be absolutely right.

I wish Iowa State took a more proactive approach to risk management. Then again, I wish everyone my age could call themselves “men” without being laughed at.

You shouldn’t be surprised that life isn’t fair, nor should you think that will ever change.

When did the campus sidewalks become a new medium for preaching? Someone had better knock that crap off before someone else with a newspaper column solicits volunteers to advocate casual sex and binge drinking in pretty chalk pictures.

Verizon is refunding $90 million to over-charged data users. In other news, Hell is now a balmy 15 degrees — that’s -9.4 for you international students.

Spencer Pratt makes me reconsider my position on government-subsidized involuntary sterilization.

If aliens exist, they’re letting us live.

The best tequila is clear, the best beer is opaque, margaritas aren’t supposed to be blended, and a man’s man drinks scotch.

“Jackass 3D” will be every bit as awesome as it sounds. If you’re above enjoying such a thing and under the age of 50, you probably take yourself more seriously than other people do. Or you’re just a party pooper.

Wouldn’t it be easier to declare Southwest Asia a free-fire zone, instead of going to war with each country individually?

James Marshall Hendrix didn’t invent rock guitar, he just perfected it.

Speaking of rock ‘n’ roll, you should take Music 304 as an elective. It’s about the best three credits you’ll get.

Love doesn’t exist, just an ongoing contest between two people trying desperately not to disappoint one another.