Snooki looks like the love child of Roseanne Barr and an oompa loompa. Shows like “Arrested Development” and “Firefly” get canceled because you’d rather watch “Jersey Shore.” 

Does anyone want to head down to the nearest Bible college and hand out science books? Maybe stand on Lincoln Way this Sunday yelling evolutionary biology at all the church-goers?

I’m ashamed of what they try to pass off as Saturday morning cartoons nowadays, especially this anime knockoff garbage. Does anybody remember “TaleSpin” or “Rescue Rangers”? “Darkwing Duck”? “X-Men”? What happened?

I wish there was a Sonic in Campustown. I wish there was parking in Campustown, but I’d take Sonic first.

I wish Sarah Jessica Parker, Katherine Heigl and JLo would stop making movies so my girlfriend would stop getting mad at me for not taking her to any of them.

I heard they aren’t using trays at the UDCC anymore. I imagine this will have a detrimental effect on the sled-worthiness of campus.

Where does everyone in the Tea Party get their colonist getup? 

I really don’t care how many football games we win this year; I just want us to beat Nebraska.

Did you know you get a stipend for graduate school? They pay you to keep going to college, and you make more money when you’re done. How is that not awesome? Why wouldn’t you do that?

I admire the standard of cleanliness of the Japanese. I wouldn’t let Paris Hilton in my house, either. 

If you’re still using Windows Vista, you deserve to. 

The next movie from Darren Aronofsky (“Requiem for a Dream”) involves … um … heavy petting between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. The International Society for Recognition of Awesomeness awards him his medal next week.

I like The Clash better than The Ramones. I probably just made a bunch of people in corduroy pants very angry. It’s still true. 

I think it’s stupid the Heisman Committee took Reggie Bush’s trophy. I also think it’s stupid USC took down his jerseys and other recognition of accomplishments. Did he not get the highest number of votes? Did he not contribute significantly to USC during his tenure? 

I admire the hell out of our student-athletes that maintain high GPAs, especially those in science fields. My favorite sport is sleeping.

Weezer’s new album is called “Hurley,” as in the guy from “Lost.” Because that isn’t stupid.

The biggest health problem in america is that we have too much to eat. That blows my mind. People being fat and lazy is making health care increasingly unaffordable. Even if I wanted to sit around and get older and fatter, I can’t, because Social Security is gonna run out well before I get my handout. All because of salt and sugar. 

If you are the least bit offended by that last one, I don’t care. Do you know what the top benefit claim to the VA from Vietnam vets is? Type II Diabetes. Freakin’ sugar-betes. Awesome.

I get crabby when I see a girl standing next to a guy sitting down on the bus. He should let her sit there.

Why does the same pop that costs $1.25 in every vending machine on campus cost $1.75 at the Memorial Union?

I eat eggs because I’m pro-choice.

It would be nice if I could go a day without reading about Lindsay Lohan in the national news media. She’s a rich, hot, 24-year-old girl that lives in West Hollywood, why are people surprised she likes the nose candy? In other news: The sky is blue, water is wet.

Some of the underclassmen didn’t understand the “Saved by the Bell” reference in my last column. I didn’t know whether to feel old or sad. Both, probably.

Kelly Kapowski is still a total babe.

Motorcycles and guitars make you look cooler. Ed Hardy shirts? Not so much.

Ever notice how vegetarians are the only people that try and convince you to be vegetarian? 

This is me officially nominating “Freebird” to be played on the Campanile. Who’s with me?