Several years ago, a buddy of mine got drunk in a bar. When the bar closed, he stumbled outside to begin his journey home. The door locked behind him, neon beer signs flickering into darkness and this friend of mine realized he profusely needed to urinate. He sauntered into an unlit alleyway directly behind the establishment, found a secluded area where a Dumpster met a brick wall, and discreetly proceeded to relieve himself.

Standing there, mid-stream, he felt the firm hand of an officer clutch down upon his shoulder. He was arrested for public Urination, public intoxication and indecent exposure. Later, he was convicted on all counts.

His punishment for public urination and public intoxication were modest fines. The penalties visited upon him for indecent exposure were to have his child taken away by the Department of Human Services and to be listed as a sex offender in a national database — alongside violent rapists and child molesters.

Here’s a different story: A couple of days ago, I walked into a small room with florescent lighting. I approached an oblong, ceramic bowl affixed to the wall and, between a grown man and a young boy, I liberated my genitals from my boxers and groaned with satisfaction as I emptied my bladder. On the opposite side of the room, a man was changing an infant’s diaper. No one said a word. When I was finished, my penis remanded to the confines of my pants, I unabashedly strolled over to a sink and rinsed my hands before leaving. I was not arrested.

There’s an adage I’m sure you’re familiar with: “When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go.”

The idea behind it is that bodily functions are obligatory, not optional. We frequently use the euphemism nature’s call to express this concept when we reference the irresistible compulsion to urinate or defecate. In almost any social setting, we find it perfectly acceptable for someone to suddenly scurry away in order to answer this call. The understanding is universal.

I am not against a disincentive for the performing of bodily functions in locations unequipped for the disposal of human waste. A fine would likely prove an adequate deterrent, but any greater punishment is excessive.

There is nothing unreasonable in demanding that people use a designated area to discharge excrement whenever possible — “possible” being the operative word — but to vilify someone for addressing a necessity is absurd.

What I am against is an association between public urination and indecent exposure, which renders the two charges essentially interchangeable.

Urination is not in and of itself a sexual act; its goal is not inherently exposure. Otherwise, I surely would be rotting in prison right now for my use of a public restroom while others were present. If we can observe a distinction between urination and exposure in a restroom, we can observe it in an alley as well.

It is tremendously degrading to force a person to inform new neighbors of his or her status as a sex offender, and such degradation ought be reserved for those who are genuinely deserving of it — flashers, for example.

Think about it: In a moment of desperation, you might slink casually into a thicket only to wind up in the same league as pedophiles. We owe it to ourselves to be more sensible than that.