[Editor’s note: The author has, in his past, been a committed member of one of the groups in question. As such, the intent of this article is to offer constructive criticism.]

Smoked meats and energy drinks will replace hand grenades and mortars on the battlefield this week, but that does not mean the fighting will be any less intense.

Over the coming weeks, the religious organizations on campus will be out in full force looking to recruit new members. An annual tradition at Iowa State, this Holy War pits the various factions of the Army of God against one another in a no-holds-barred throwdown for your contact information.

The Battle Plan:

The war has already begun. The opening salvos of Hickory Park meat-rockets could be heard ricocheting around campus over the weekend. Relient k and Switchfoot were heard from Friley to Freeman.

The next stage of the scuffle is ongoing. Various groups are about campus offering competing beverage and say giveaways — the kind of crossfire in which one wants to be caught.

The clash will heat up toward the weekend, as organizations bring out the big guns. Free concerts and on-campus parties will offer more swag, as well as an opportunity to meet new people and take a glance into the types of things that will go on in the weekly meetings.

As the school year wears on, the heated skirmish of the fall will slowly cool into a war of attrition. Battle lines will be drawn, trenches will be dug, and each group will play a game of maintenance until the spring comes around and the competition can again rage.

Oh, the humanity!

I am mildly befuddled by all of this carnage. It seems so frivolous. I understand it is human nature to find those miniscule things that differentiate us from one another and to exploit them in order to distance ourselves, but religious organizations that share the same fundamental ideology should be above that.

Where do we go from here?

There are a series of simple steps that religious organizations can take to stop the struggle.

First, they can plan events at different times. I know this simple, but the trend as of late has been moving toward more chronological conflict rather than less. Based on the best available attendance approximations, the four largest such groups on campus are scheduled to run concurrently as this goes to print.

Next, religious groups could go a long way toward mutually beneficial coexistence by facilitating more ecumenical events. A few such events have happened during my tenure on campus, but consistent and comprehensive cooperation would make all of the organizations more attractive to prospective new members.

The final suggestion comes as a manifestation of the first two. Religious organizations should offer a greater variety of events.

Nearly every group offers a barbecue/grill-out/picnic for a back-to-school function, followed by handing out swag on campus, then a concert sometime in the first week for good measure.

A greater variety of events would allow a greater number of people to become involved and find something about which they are passionate.

All I can do is sit back and hope that a peaceful and mutually beneficial resolution can be found. In the meantime I think I will go try to get caught in the crossfire.