Attention all do-gooders, misguided philanthropists, bleeding-heart humanitarians and sympathetic-yet-apathetic persons: I have the solution to all of your problems. It is called socialism — also known as universalization or social welfare — and it is just the thing for which you have been waiting.

Some of you may say, “Hmmm, isn’t socialism a washed-up political ideology from a bygone era?”

Well, to you I say, “Yes!” But more than that, socialism is a modern way for you to take care of all of those unsightly societal misfits and ruffians you don’t want to have to meet in person.

Is that man asking you for money at the gas station making you reconsider your spending habits? Do those people who buy groceries with food stamps ruin your dinner?

In socialism, all of that unsightly guilt is eliminated by a simple tax contribution that comes right out of your paycheck with little more than a note retroactively informing you of the government’s action.

All you have to do is look at our pioneering brethren in Scandinavia.

A mere 65 percent of the money they earn through their labor buys them freedom from the guilt that comes with turning a blind eye to poverty. Just 65 cents a dollar saves them all of that mental anguish.

In sincerity, federal government is a horribly inefficient bureaucratic machine with a peculiar knack for waste and improper allocation of money. If you want to give two-thirds of your income to an organization, make it one of a plethora of true humanitarian organizations at your disposal.

A look into nonprofit organizations reveals several that operate at well more than 90 percent efficiency; that is, 90 cents on every dollar return is used toward the cause in question after advertising and administrative costs are paid.

Groups such as the American Red Cross, Global Links, Globus Relief, Christ for Humanity, Food for the Poor and AmeriCares offer at least such efficiency, with most well exceeding the 90 percent threshold, according to charitynavigator.org, a nonprofit organization itself that has developed a method for rating other such organizations.

Better yet, and something I consistently challenge myself to do: Talk to the next person who solicits money from you. Take an interest in his or her life. Nothing makes you realize how lucky/blessed you really are like helping people who are not as fortunate.