There’s an old joke that goes something like this: “What has six legs, a spike tail, poisonous fangs, razor-sharp talons and enormous bat wings?”

“I give up. What?”

“I don’t know, but it sure sounds scary!”

In a similar vein, what game controls like turn-based RPG, is set in ancient Greece, stars anime-style characters and is available now for the Nintendo DS?

Unfortunately, I do know the answer to this one, and it’s “Glory of Heracles.”

“Glory of Heracles,” the new JRPG developed by Paon Corporation and published by Nintendo isn’t really bad. There’s nothing overtly wrong with it, but there are so many better options for gamers looking for a more engaging RPG experience. Let’s just start from the beginning.

The opening of the game places you in the boots of Heracles. Maybe. See, you’ve apparently bumped your head and forgotten who you are. You might be the legendary Heracles, but you might also be… y’know, some other immortal dude. Exciting, no?

No.

The opening of the game is slow as slow can be, and the sole driving force is going to be that plot device, which is not only quite underwhelming and stereotypical, but executed with all the grace of an elephant on a high-wire.

It gets better as things go on, but for the first several hours it’s about as exciting as it looks.

See, “Glory of Heracles” doesn’t have the best writing around. Everyone speaks in their anime characterization,  as that’s the art direction,  so you have the standard butch-but-femmy crossdresser, the vain ladykiller, the ridiculously large and burly fighter, and more — including your silent self. It might seem annoying that your character won’t say much more than “…” but consider it a blessing. If he were to speak with writing half as bad as the rest of your party, you might go a little insane.

The writing, as with the characters,  is very “Saturday morning,” which leads me to think that maybe I’m just a bit too old for this title. Maybe this game was meant for a younger audience with less familiarity with the RPG genre. It would make sense, considering how much the game holds your hand throughout the adventure.

For example, fights are largely random and easy to win, with the system keeping a detailed log of who’s performed what action and the status of the battlefield. Tutorials teach you about each new status, kind of encounter, actions, equipment, etc. Not only this, but there’s also an “Auto” button, which will hand over control of your party to the computer. I never lost with this option activated, but I noticed that the decisions made were hardly optimal in regards to item management, power use, etc.

More experienced gamers would likely be better off with the situation firmly in hand  — no play on words intended  — instead of repeatedly clicking “Auto.” The problem with that route, however, is that the battles are so easy and so frequent. Random spawns happen every few steps, and manual control is tedious and monotonous.

The battles certainly look all right, with full 3-D models,  although they rarely possess sufficiently pleasing levels of detail and acceptably textured landscapes. Spell effects are only so-so at first, but there are mini-games that allow you to increase the devastation of your spells, and naturally, the spells get bigger and better as the game goes on, so this balances things out pretty nicely. Towns are as town-like as can be with very few distinctions between each locale, despite a rotating camera that allows you to see more of the cityscapes.

This is one of the most unfortunate things about “Glory of Heracles.” The setting is something that hasn’t really been done to death, and there were plenty of opportunities to weave a little bit of distinctly Greek life into the game. Instead, it feels like the cast from “Sailor Moon” was transported back in time and is walking around wearing Greek body suits.

Seriously, I can’t be the only one who sees a resemblance between our main hero and Tuxedo Mask.

It’s a tough balance to find, between familiarity and uniqueness, and I don’t fault “Glory of Heracles” for at least trying. It does plenty to a perfectly satisfactory level, including graphics, music, setting and gameplay. But it just never gets off the ground as a title that seems driven to be anything more than average.

If you’re a seasoned RPG vet looking for the next great experience, look elsewhere. If you’re just getting into RPGs or can put up with lines like “Scarier than a staring contest with Medusa,” then maybe “Glory of Heracles” can serve as an introductory title, welcoming new gamers into the RPG genre with a title that, while not great, is perfectly competent.

This column appears courtesy of Sophie Prell’s  blog, “G3 — A Girl’s Guide to Gaming.”

Sophie Prell is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Alta.