Sex. What is it exactly? Clinically, there are four behaviors that are considered to be sex. These behaviors are vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, oral sex on a man, and oral sex on a woman. To some, this definition might seem too narrow. To others, it may seem too broad.

For many, sex is some act of penetration, typically with a penis, that happens below the waist (either vaginally or anally). Some take this mentality even further and believe that sex is strictly the penetration of a vagina with a penis. In a 2008 article from ABC News, one woman reported that her roommate “only had anal sex with her boyfriend until they were married because that technically kept her a virgin.”

Other people out there take exactly the opposite approach to defining sex. Some people believe that sex is anything that can cause any kind of sexual feeling. This can include the behaviors already mentioned as well as fondling, masturbation, kissing and many other behaviors that would not fall under a conventional definition. The rest of the population falls somewhere in between.

But which of these groups of people is right? Is it the group that only defines a small few acts as sex, or is it the group that defines almost everything as sex? Maybe it’s the between people?

The answer is that they’re all right. There are almost as many ways of defining sex as there are people in the world, and that’s what makes sex such a mysterious and fascinating commodity.

These differences in definitions have also caused a lot of confusion and tension in a lot of relationships. If one person feels one way about sex, and the other feels exactly the opposite, how would each partner know? This is where communication comes in.

Communication is by far the most important aspect of any sexual or romantic relationship. Effective communication between partners will save both parties a lot of time, stress and relationship problems. Communication will also save the giver from embarrassment, the receiver from boredom, and both from discomfort.

As far as sex goes, the first thing we want to accomplish with communication is respect of your partner’s boundaries. It is pretty much impossible to respect someone’s boundaries without knowing what they are. This is why it is important to talk to your partner about your beliefs about sex, and why it is even more important to listen to theirs. Having an idea of what each of you expect from the sexual portion of the relationship will prevent one partner from trying to go too far, which can be pretty traumatizing for some people. Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable and positive experience, not a scary one — unless you’re into that, which is a discussion for another time.

The other issue we want to accomplish is pleasing your partner. As with boundaries, it is essentially impossible to know what your partner finds pleasing without some form of communication. For those who are receiving some form of stimulation — be it oral sex, manual stimulation, etc. — keep in mind that it is OK to give directions to the person performing the act. In fact, the person performing the act will probably greatly appreciate this. It takes a lot of stress off of them because they don’t have to just sit there and keep wondering, “Am I doing it right?” “Does she like this?” “Did he just moan or yawn?” etc. Basically, if the active participant is feeling anxious, he or she is not going to do a very good job. And if he or she does a crappy job, you won’t be satisfied. As far as I know, no one wants that.

On the other hand, it is important for the active participant to ask some questions if anything is unclear. Asking questions like, “Does this feel good?” and “Do you want me to keep doing it?” and “Do you want me to (insert whatever you feel like doing here)?” will point you in the right direction. Not only will these questions ensure a pleasurable experience for your partner, they will save you from feeling anxious or embarrassed. Again, sex is supposed to be a positive experience for both parties involved.

Whether you believe sex is one act, a few acts or an infinite number of acts, it is important that you talk about it with your partners. The simple act of communication will help you keep yourself safe, happy and well in your sex life, no matter what that may entail.

Leah Hirsch is a Student 2 Student Peer Educator with the Thielen Student Health Center and a HIV/AIDS counseling, testing and referral intern for Johnson County Public Health.