Every once in a great while, a moment in history brings us together, unifies us, defines us.

Tomorrow — or at 12:01 a.m., which is still technically tomorrow — that moment is the release of “New Moon,” the second entry in the “Twilight” saga. Due to this monumental event, we’ve decided to have a “Twilight Extravaganza” in the opinion section. In the following text I offer my humble perspective on the blossoming franchise.

First, there are the books, which I despise. Forget the argument that they encourage people to read. If all these people are reading is “Twilight,” they might as well be illiterate, because such behavior deprives them of literary classics and truly great writing.

I couldn’t bring myself to even finish the first entry, “Twilight” — purple prose, horrid grammar, misuse of adverbs and adjectives, clumsy and rambling sentence structure and an addiction to the words “marble,” “smoldering,” “chagrin” and more.

The film isn’t much better, with its glitter-laden shirtlessness, contact lenses that look cheaper than the ones I wore for Halloween and makeup jobs so bad you can see a clear line under the vampires’ collars — as if they had inverted tan lines. Acting might as well be the cast’s biggest fear, because it avoids it like the plague. Kristen Stewart’s eyebrows may as well be attached to dumbbells, since they seem so incapable of rising. Her three signals of talent are that she can flutter her eyelids to look embarrassed or inquisitive, huff air in short, staccato breaths to indicate annoyance, and most impressively of all, combine the two actions to show frustration.

Bravo.

Although I suppose it’s not entirely the cast’s fault, as the characters themselves are entirely loathsome. Bella — the protagonist of the stories — is a one-dimensional void of a being. She has no personality of her own, and that’s supposedly the key to making her relatable to the audience. Too bad all she relays to female readers is that it’s OK to become obsessive, clingy, unchanging brats.

Meanwhile, Edward is practically the definition of a psychotic creeper. He literally stalks Bella, switches between a lust of the loins and a lust for her blood within moments, and all the while spouts empty romantic one-liners about how special Bella is. If I could summarize Edward’s mindset in one line of thought, it would sound like something you’d hear through the grinding of an abusive lover’s teeth to his or her partner tightly gripping his or her arm:

“I love you. I love you so much that if I loved you to the full extent of my abilities, I would kill you. I want to kill you because I love you so much.”

But all that is behind us, right? “New Moon” is a new chapter in the “Twilight” saga, and — oh, God, who am I kidding? Have you seen the trailers for this thing? If not — which I highly doubt — allow me to summarize:

Edward leaves Bella.

Bella is heartbroken.

Unable to move on, Bella decides to place herself in danger to get Edward back.

Jacob, Bella’s werewolf friend, decides Bella makes the perfect rebound chick.

Enter creepy vampire society, werewolf tribal warfare and more wooden acting, and voila: “New Moon.”

I know impersonations don’t lend themselves well to type, but would anybody disagree with a summary of Bella’s thoughts as thus?

“High school love is the most important love in the world, and I will never find anyone better, and now that Edward with his wonderful marble chest has left me, I know I will never find anyone better, but if I hurt myself he’ll come back. He’ll come back! He’ll come back if I hurt myself!”

You know how your English teacher in middle school wouldn’t let you write book reports about the “Goosebumps” books by R.L. Stine? Well, the “Twilight” saga is “Goosebumps” for tweens.

Unfortunately, instead of just giving kids some frightfully bad writing — as was the case with Stine’s books — “Twilight” practically endorses obsessive behavior, the sacrifice of friends and family, and a gender scheme in which women are awkward and frail with chaste and strong men coming to their rescue, the danger often coming from the women themselves.

“Twilight” is nothing more than wish fulfillment. It’s fluff. It’s empty. It’s meaningless. It’s degrading and its messages are disconcerting.

But, much like Bella, I’m a masochistic glutton for punishment.

See you at the theater.

Sophie Prell is a senior in pre-journalism and mass communication from Alta.