Poor Chicago. Knocked out in the first round despite America’s sweetheart’s best efforts. As you probably know, Chicago’s bid was the first eliminated by the International Olympic Committee, which eventually settled on Rio de Janeiro as the site for the 2016 summer games.

Some pundits are slamming Obama for not doing enough, others accuse him of trying to do too much.

Was Obama too much of a bully? Clearly, he was not. This was his opportunity to show what “diplomacy” means. The whole point of the committee is to knuckle under to the strongest bidder, not objectively select the best site. Stephen Colbert summed up the process on his show Friday, saying “Every four years the nations of the world coming together to battle for supremacy. It’s just like war, except the news still covers it.”

Clearly, something is horribly wrong here. Obama singlehandedly caused Chicago to lose to a beautiful, burgeoning city that is 50 percent larger nestled in a continent that is yet to host even one Olympics. That blundering  fool, what with his showing up and supporting the US and what-not. Rio De Janeiro is a city that needs no infrastructural, economic, or cultural development, and had it not been for Obama, Chicago 2016 would be a reality.

Obama even managed to cancel out the famed Colbert bump with his bungling!

If the US wants to get its way, we need to get back to our roots. We shouldn’t carry a big stick, we should ride it around like a pony. We need to abandon diplomacy, class, and candor and start acting like a playground bully again. Clearly, that’s how we became such well respected world citizens. Put simply, need to utilize our prowess more effectively.

Obama should have ridden into Denmark waterskiing on two nuclear submarines carrying an intercontinental ballistic missile under each arm accompanied by a flyover of a few dozen stealth bombers. He wouldn’t have even had to say anything, a statement like that speaks for itself.

Look at the last few decade’s worth of Olympic host nations: some proportionality between military might and successful bids must exist. The IOC should revert to its old ways of curling up in the fetal position and serving  us the Olympics whenever we ask. We shouldn’t have to earn it because we already earned it by being awesome. Every four years there’s a halloween party where we dress up one of our cities in a funny costume and send it off to receive its candy from the IOC’s porch simply by saying “trick or treat or else.”

Well Chicago, consider yourself tricked. Rio’s bid had countless merits, and every once in a while we need to learn to share our toys with the other kids in the class.

It’s truly a shrinking planet now, and it’s time we accept that it’s not 1949 anymore. We are not the best at everything in every way all the time.

We really have no grounds to whine and complain about losing this bid. The IOC, for once, seems to have selected the best bid without focusing too heavily on the host country. This is Rio’s chance to make a big splash on a world stage. We should focus on cleaning up our last few, um, splashes before we complicate our status with such an undertaking. Colbert continued, “Just like in war, everyone knows the host country has an advantage.” Well, good luck Brazil.