Almost five years of working at Hy-Vee grocery stores has taught me a little something about being a cashier. Because you’re a cashier, this also makes you an ATM, a babysitter, a bartender and a bouncer, and in need of really good shoe in-soles. Along these past few years I’ve also picked up on the tricks of the trade and necessity has made sure that I learn a few things on my own, as well.

For example, the number one rule every good cashier follows: never ask a customer how his or her day is going, unless you know the person. This question opens up a whole lot of unnecessary talking time for the customer. With one innocent question you learn about how they are having problems potty training their puppy (which is why they are buying the rug cleaner), their kid got detention again, someone in their family just died (why they’re buying that beer you just scanned) and many other tidbits that simply do not need to be learned. When they ask you how your day is, respond with a smile and follow rule number two.

Rule 2: Never ask someone if they “found everything OK.” After the first two years of smart aleck comments like “well, I didn’t know what I was looking for!” and “what if I didn’t? What would you do about it?” and my favorite “Well I looked for the free money but couldn’t find it,” I started to revise this question. I now ask, “Did you find everything you needed today?” This simplifies things greatly. The customer doesn’t quite catch the difference but subconsciously they always feel the need to say yes.

Rule 3: You catch more bees with honey than vinegar. I can usually spot a grouchy Scrooge from a mile away. Perhaps it’s some sort of sixth sense I’ve picked up, or perhaps that customer just hates the world enough that it emanates form their bodies, but either way — smile ‘til your cheeks hurt. It drives them crazy and most of the time they can’t help but at least be nice.

Unfortunately there are more “Scrooges” in the world than I care to count. I understand the motto “A smile in every aisle.” Trust me, it’s been drilled into my brain. I also understand that you are all under the assumption that “the customer is always right!” But the truth is, Midwestern courtesy can only go so far until I finally am forced to write an opinion column—and book—about the way that people have exceedingly unrealistic standards about grocery stores. Many also seem to be under the impression that, if  your cashier screwed up, it’s OK to stand there and treat us like five-year-olds who forgot to wash their hands before eating.

One example that comes to mind is a cashier who was ringing up a customer’s 12-pack of soda. To make the fridge pack easier to pick up and move, she pushed her fingers through the perforated handle to open it. The customer yelled at her, called her stupid and continued to berate her until a manager forced him to calm down. She had done nothing wrong, but it can seriously make you want to pee your pants when a 250 lb. man is yelling at you for no reason.

Rule 4: Keep a close eye on the elderly. Yes, it’s unfortunate that I should even have to make this rule but alas, it is completely necessary. Especially the older women. They like to pass off fake or expired coupons, complain that they didn’t know the difference and still expect us to give us their discount. It doesn’t matter if it’s five dollars or five cents. They seem to get an adrenaline rush just knowing they’ve gotten away with something.

The best example I have happened this summer. A woman came through my line at the customer service desk at my home store. She was excited that we took back cans for deposit since she’d never done this before. I gave her about seven dollars back for her cans and wished her a good day. She left with a large smile across her wrinkled face. A few hours later she came back with two cartfuls of cans. I explained to her that I could take some of the cans, but not all since our store had a twelve-dollar per day per customer limit.

She became infuriated. “Is this posted somewhere?” she practically yelled at me. Both my manager and I pointed to a sign right behind my head that clearly states the rules of play. As I took care of her cans she continued to mumble under her breath.

“But it’s raining out and I had to bring these all the way up from the basement. How am I supposed to get these back into my car and back down the stairs?” she asked. When that didn’t work she continued, “but I have my grandson this afternoon. Where in the car is he going to sit if I have all these cans?” I saw this woman turn from anger, pity, kind and back to anger in less than two minutes. When I did not go for any of it, she told me she was just going to come back later when I wasn’t working and have someone else give her the money.

Little did this woman know, I had written down her description on a little note so that night’s employees would reject her cans.

I love being a cashier. I love making a small part of your day as enjoyable as possible. Heck, I even enjoy the small talk. What I cannot grasp, however, is how people expect grocery stores to cater to their every need. At some point you will have to realize that we are a grocery store—nothing more and nothing less. So please, do not be the large man or the elderly woman. Stop in, say hello, make small talk and please, have a nice day.

Sarah Tisinger is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Bettendorf.