It’s recently come to our attention that there is a very … special sub-group of students on our campus. We’d like to take a moment to address this group and hopefully give you something to think about over the weekend.

Ahem.

Creepers? Quit being creepy. Seriously, we’ve had four reports of indecent sexual activity in just as many weeks since school began. Forgive our slip into slang, but that just ain’t right.

We’ve all had our fair share of creepy people that we’ve run into, and if you haven’t well, it’s mostly a matter of time. Now, stalking is different and far more serious than creeping, although creepers can be stalkers. Think of it like one of those “situation problems” from those early standardized tests of your life:

“Not all creepers are stalkers, but all stalkers are creepers. Billy is a creeper. Is Billy also a stalker?”

Honestly though, this complaint of ours isn’t just due to those performing sexually inappropriate actions on our campus. This editorial board is fed up with a lot of things, some of which you’ll find below in handy-dandy list form. So, just what’s got our gears grinding?

1) The aforementioned creepers. Keep your hands to yourself. And since we know that’s not specific enough for some, keep your hands to yourself in your own private living space.

2) Public displays of affection. Yes, the dreaded PDA. Now, we’re completely in support of couples holding hands, hugging, nuzzling, even kissing. But when you’re nibbling ear lobes, biting lips, and pressing your partner’s hands onto your naughty bits while you ride CyRide — with enough people to fill the seats, including the ones right next to you — it’s time to cool things down.

3) People who blast the music so loud through their headphones they might as well be lugging around a portable stereo, a la’ the breakdancing beat boys and girls of the 80s. We don’t care if you cause yourself to go deaf, but spare the rest of us, won’t you? Headphones exist so you can enjoy your particular musical taste without imposing it onto others. Not everyone has that same fondness for Britney Spears, 50 Cent, Fall Out Boy, or .

4) Similarly, you know how there’s that little button in a lot of chat functions and Facebook that allows for private messages? Also known as “whispers?” Did you know that they’re so-named for a real world function? Yes, it’s true! You really don’t have to shout across the dinner table for all to hear about how you would’ve made it with hottie Whatshis/hername if only the H1N1 Hamthrax hadn’t caught your bowels by surprise that fateful evening.

5) The fights that break out between bicyclists and pedestrians. If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a thousand times. Bicyclists complain about the difficulty navigating the crowds that swarm like mindless pond fish to bread crumbs. Pedestrians complain about the seeming recklessness of the wannabe road warriors. There’s a simple solution here, but it’s going to take some effort from both sides.

Bicyclists, get a horn, a bell, or a voice. Since humans aren’t designed with 360 degree vision, we can’t always know where you are or when you’re coming, and we certainly have an even more difficult time when you don’t audibly warn us. That being said, pedestrians need to be aware of their environment and learn to respect the metal. Sometimes, it’s best to turn the headphones down (See annoyance number three) and become just a little more aware and little more courteous. Students on bikes have class to get to too, ya know.

6) Comments on our Web site that personally attack other users. Seriously, kids. Play nice. Disagree all you want, but leave the claims of doodyhead-ness out of it.

Now, just what is the point in crafting a list of grievances? Well, you might recall that such lists played important roles in forming our country and the religious Reformation. But it only works if people listen and take things to heart.

Yes, this list might be a little more silly than serious. Yes, you might even find yourself within one of our targeted groups. But we’re not out to get anyone here, we’re simply pointing out things we feel drag our beloved campus, weird mascot and all, down into the mud.

So take heed Iowa State. This is something we’d like to avoid seeing, hearing, and writing about in the future. Despite its rich potential for comedy, we’re going to hopefully leave these complaints behind as we become more active in bettering our campus in our daily lives.

And you should too. Take an active stance in your community, even if it’s something as simple as turning down the volume. Help us out.

Because after all, number seven on our list is people who complain.