Greetings.

Today, I’m supposed to tell you why you should read the opinion section. But I feel you need to know what it is we do and how we do it first. If I just up and told you, your mind simply could not comprehend the revelations it would incur.

You see, we opinion columnists aren’t human. No, we’ve got something special to us. Something that makes us very unique. Something you Earth-dwelling, three-dimensional, mortal creatures call “mental illness.”

This “mental illness” gives us great power, which may or may not come attached to great responsibility. There are the villains: those who abuse their powers to spread ignorance and hate, either by willful action or naivety; there are those of us who walk the line between hero and villain: the anti-heroes.

And we all work in the same office.

We use these powers to observe your everyday world by day, and by night we congregate in the break room, huddled around a single candle placed firmly atop a wax-encrusted skull, the canine fangs and ram-like horns curling back in twisted glee. There are also donuts.

Runes of Sha’Ngruulth are placed in a circle around this skull, with each columnist to his or her own rune. It is now a Circle of Binding, and it must be fed.

Two eggs, a cup of flour, two tablespoons of butter, the odd goat or lamb, and token virgin sacrifices are necessary. Bake at 450 degrees for 20 minutes — now we’re ready for our columns.

A bright, glowing orb of nothingness appears above the skull, dispensing papers that materialize out of thin air. They float and flitter down into our hands, and we are given permission by the Old Ones to claim these as our own.

And so we have come to the why of our story. You see, it is not because the opinion section is informative. It is not because columnists can offer a fresh, unique perspective. It is not due to the originality and novelty that the opinion section allows. It is not even because columnists are good conversationalists, placing your thoughts onto paper so that you may say, “Wow! This columnist thinks exactly what I think, only they put it into such better words!”

No. These are lies, propagated to keep you ignorant. But I have seen the truth, and the utter base of the matter is that you must read the opinion section.

To keep Their demanding hunger satiated.

To keep Them at bay.

 — Sophie Prell is a junior in pre-journalism and mass communication from Alta.