Spring break is just a few days away, and there is no question that it is well deserved. As the first two months of 2009 have come and gone, we, as Americans, have had it pretty rough: from early January’s temperatures that got as low as -35 degrees to the outrageous stimulus and budget spending of our new president — who knew hope and change would cost so much? As college students, we clearly need a break and a chance to escape the harsh reality of the world around us. What better way than a spring-break trip?

But, where to go? I, for one, have a trip all planned out, and I am ecstatic about spending my spring break in a nice, warm, sunny place. However, this might not be the case for everyone. Although I cannot help you figure out a destination, I can help you with the preparation for your trip.

This means kicking off a week of vanity. Spring break only comes once a year — so guys and girls, we only have one week a year to put pride on the forefront so we can look stellar for spring break. That’s why I’m now deeming this week “National Vanity Week”: a week dedicated to ourselves and how great we look.

Some good ways to make yourself look as little as possible like your true self include getting some good hours in on tanning and weight lifting. Mix in a healthy diet, and you have a recipe for a body worthy of Facebook profile pictures for months to come.

There is, however, a downside to all this body enhancement.

As far as tanning goes, girls need to be conscious of one thing: moderation. This is the time of year during which, on college campuses across the nation, we start to see a whole new race of humans: orange. Girls mix a little too much lotion with a little too much fake bake, and bam. Now you not only have the usual North Face and Ugg clones wandering everywhere around campus — the girls are topped off with awkward orange faces. Girls, you may not have a problem with this, but I’m speaking on behalf of all guys when I say, no one wants to hang out with a human Cheeto. Orange is not the new tan.

As far as guys who go tanning — don’t. A lot of guys will use the excuse that they only tan to avoid burning on their adventures to the beaches. Bull. That is nothing but a big cop-out lie that roasted bros, or “brosters,” will tell themselves to avoid the true humiliation of having to deal with the fact that they tan. A little redness on the shoulders never hurt anyone, so really guys, let’s leave the fake baking to the ladies this spring break.

Or, at the very least, don’t give everyone that weak-sauce excuse about avoiding burning.

You’re vain — it’s OK. The fact is that you live in Iowa during the winter. No one cares if you’re pale. It’s kind of expected.

Now that we have coloration out of the way, let’s move on to those buns of steel and washboard abs. Many people will start working out weeks in advance to spring break, but Vanity Week is when they really start to kick it in. As a universal law, there is nothing wrong with working out. In fact, in our increasingly overweight society, I encourage it. But the problem is with the attitude people get when they start to work out.

This attitude is, of course, what we now know as being a “tool.” Spring break is a very bad time to be a tool, because you go to other places and represent your university. I for one don’t want people thinking my beloved Iowa State University is full of tools. So, before heading off to South Padre or Miami, toss out your visor, your beater and leave all the “dudes” and “bros” at home. Our opportunities to enjoy spring break are running out faster than we realize as we get closer to entering the real world — so take this advice, and have a very enjoyable spring break.

There is much more to discuss on the matter, but I’m running late for an appointment at Electric Beach. At 180 minutes for $40, I would be dumb not to take it. Plus, I don’t like being burnt.

Justin Spaid is a sophomore in history from McCallsburg