The day of dread is upon us: Valentine’s Day. For single people, it’s a blatant reminder that you’re lonely. For people already in a relationship, it’s only another opportunity to screw up.

Luckily, there are people like me out there looking out for you — people who want to provide helpful hints.

For such an overwhelming task, I had to bring in the help of my own relationship guru, Daily copy editor James Laugermann. Together, we form Iowa State’s team of the university’s most eligible bachelors for 2009.

After many hours of research, studies and experiments, we have come up with some very important things that will allow you to squeeze every ounce of love out of your St. Valentine’s Day.

Let’s start off with the men. Valentine’s Day should be looked at as an opportunity. Although guys don’t have the easiest time being single on Valentine’s Day, it’s very likely worse for the girls. This makes it all the more easier for the guy, who is in the position to do something about it — to snag a date.

Feeling sorry for the guy on Valentine’s Day is like feeling sorry for anyone who got eliminated from the show Bromance. It’s stupid. Seriously, men, if you have not been rejected at least three times, you have no excuse to sulk in your room listening to Secondhand Serenade records on Valentine’s Day.

However, as men, we must be wary of some of the common misnomers about what women want. This first example has something to do with High School Musical. Guys will do many bizarre things to attract these foreign creatures known as women, including forcing themselves to enjoy the things women like. We sometimes think being able to dance and prance around like Zac Efron will attract them. However, it certainly will not. Sure, it will get the women laughing, but not in a good way. Women like it best when men act like men — not Zac Efron wannabes.

Another myth to be aware of is one that has affected James and me personally. This myth is that women like men who play the guitar. While the statement is true, it is not universally true. See, it doesn’t matter if the man is talented. Actually, it’s usually better if he isn’t. Good guitar players are weird and like to talk about bizarre things like “inverted half-diminished tritones.” Most girls would prefer their hottie to stumble his way through “Hey There Delilah” because its a clear-cut make-out signal. And he earns pity points.

Now, after all this talk about men, you may think that we have completely forgotten about all you XX people out there. Well, ladies, we have not, so have no fear. Women have an obligation to make sure that they are clear with the men about whether they want to go on a date or not. None of this wishy-washy stuff. Pure truth is what works the best. Now, you may be worried your rejection will send the man into a spiral of ice cream, emo music and Halo 3. Rest assured, though, rejection is not as bad being led on and then being rejected.

Be brutally honest with us if you must, even if honesty means going to the evil “friend zone.” It is still better than being led on.

There you have it — a few simple tips and truths about how to put the love into your Hallmark holiday. We both hope you have a wonderful day and do what is best for you in your specific situation. 

After all, why take our advice? We’re both going to be single on Valentine’s Day.

 – Justan Spaid is a sophomore in history from McCallsburg.