And so that’s when I told her, “Well, you sure seemed to enjoy it at the time!”

Oh, hello! I didn’t see you come in. I suppose I should have been prepared for your arrival, what with a new semester and all.

Truth is, I’m really quite lazy and a terrible person, and I’d like to use this column to apologize.

Many of you have suggested this to be the case or at the very least, probably saw this coming.

You see, it’s time I admitted something to everyone:

You’re right.

I’m wrong.

As I have shared my opinion via my columns in the Iowa State Daily, I’ve had plenty of commentary from the left, right, and everywhere in between, all of them telling me how wrong I’ve been.

When it comes to anything dealing with Christianity, I’ve been told that my religion is Leftism, that I hate God, hate Christians, hate Christmas, and want nothing more than the complete obliteration of the American way.

I say to these people a loud and hearty “Thank you!” You see, I never realized these things about myself. It only makes sense that people who know me through my columns and nothing else would have vastly more intimate knowledge of who I am.

When it comes to gay rights, I’ve been told that I support an abomination, a defilement, sodomy, and I’ve even been told I have HIV.

My personal favorite comment with regard to that subject comes from a frequent online commentator who likes to point out how sexually immoral homosexuality is. He later mentioned how women who complain about the unrealistic standards are simply jealous ugly chicks. In the same discussion, he asserted his rigid masculinity and heterosexuality — yet soft and gentle understanding — by pointing out that he has a subscription to Playboy, yet his wife doesn’t feel threatened.

I see now that this commentator and those like him are right, and I am wrong.

I was a jerk for supporting sexual immorality. I’m not sure how the Playboy subscription fits with Matthew 5:28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart,” but

I’m sure Mr. Moral has some answers.

I see now the vast media conspiracy of the Left, and the agenda that they have

plotted: Kill babies, turn everyone gay, destroy Christianity, Democrats rule, Republicans drool. It’s all very clear in the pamphlets we passed around for training here at the Daily. I just felt so compelled and forced to follow this belief system that I was brainwashed into writing those things! Thank you so much for pointing out the horrifying truth. I see now.

You were right, and I was wrong.

When atheists commented that I should not admire or treasure the kind of conviction that the religious hold, that such behavior was “disturbing,” they too were right. Well, actually that would make them left, but you know what I mean.

When Democrats and others who loved Obama became angry that I would suggest that maybe we simply shouldn’t take the man at his word for certain things, they were correct. Unassuming ignorance is truly the best course of action to take to protect our rights and liberties. Trust the man with the nice smile.

I say again to all of you who have written your letters to the editor, typed your comments online, sent me personal e-mails, or Facebook-stalked me to assert just how wrong I have been: You are right. You are so right. And I am so very, very wrong.

May you continue to assert your righteousness from the corners and the shadows, calling me whatever you like, because I’m going to just give this one to you. You’re right. I’m wrong.

And now I ask you, have I given your ego a sufficient boost? Have I vigorously massaged your self-importance and self-worth? Has your lifelong dream of arguing with an opinion columnist finally proved fruitful?

I ask because I have a paradox for you. If I am indeed always wrong, just what does that say about this column?

Welcome to the spring semester, everyone! Looks like you’ve got Sophie for at least a little bit longer.

– Sophie Prell is a junior in pre-journalism and mass communication from Alta.