So we all know what this week is, right? Dead Week?

I mean, we all know why it’s called that. I was once naive and believed the reasoning for the title to be that classes were “dead.” No assignments. No tests. Sometimes even no class.

Yet I realized soon this was not the case — oh, no. Indeed, it is called Dead Week for that is what it causes among the student populace.

Dead Week drains us of our humanity, of our essence. It gnashes viciously and rolls its eyes into its skull in ecstatic delight as its grisly and gnarled teeth sink deep into our flesh. It drinks deeply of our life-force and feasts voraciously as we fall to the ground screaming, “No! Noooo! NO FINALS!! AAAAAAHHH!!!”

And of course, you know that once you’ve been bitten by a Dead Week, you become one too.

Or … Is that something else? I don’t know. I always get my rotting corpses that stumble on without cerebral function or purpose mixed up.

My feelings on the American school system aside, let’s focus on things that can help us all de-stress for the upcoming Apocalypse.

There is my very favorite hobby: video games. These often take hours to complete while sucking the player into worlds chock full of monsters, spaceships, guitar riffs, super spies, and, of course, all the hot virtual boys and girls. There might even be some specially designed prisons and flying lizards that breathe fire! Man, that’d be sweet.

We could call it … “Vaults & Wyverns.”

Or something like that.

For a more passive media experience, there’s always the vast library of movies and music that the world can offer. I personally own a library of movies that stretches into the triple digits in quantity and more songs than I can count on my hard drive, with that number growing day by day.

I could sit and watch my movies and listen to my music, each one following right after the other, for a month. If I gave myself the recommended six to seven hours, that is. It’s true. I did the math.

Or, maybe you’d like to give your artistic side a try. Grab a pencil, have a seat and draw what you see. Right now. That emo kid with the asymmetrical black hair drooping 3 feet down over his left eye? Bet he’d be an easy draw. Ninety percent of his drawing is gonna be black, anyway.

Or write something! A poem, a short story, a novel, a screenplay — whatever you want! Become the next Hemingway, the next Shakespeare. Fall right in line with these teen pop sensations when you write a mediocre-at-best novel about an emotional void of a being and her obsession with an undead hottie at the local high school.

Necrophilia is the “in” thing these days, I swear.

Speaking of hotties, I bet you’ve got one of those waiting in their dorm room right now. Eh? Eh? Am I right, ladies? Take that stud and lay down some afternoon delight!

Seriously! There’s a lot of research that shows the distinct connection between sex and stress. Specifically, the University of Arizona showed that an increase in one leads to a decrease in the other. It’s also a well-known fact that people fare better on tests when they’re in a good mood, and Missouri Western State University has the research to back it up.

If you know what I mean.

Of course, for those who are more moral and less hedonistic than us heathens, it’s also been shown that faith and attendance of religious ceremonies leads to a decrease in stress, which leads to happiness, which leads to better test scores.

Obviously the answer is to combine the two. Everyone! Get married, consummate it nightly, and start going to church!

What, you didn’t think I was going to suggest something more heretical like sex in church, did you? C’mon, that’s just immoral.

Yes, my fellow students, with your wild nights that creatively employ all of the above stress relief techniques, you’ll suck up all the free time between here and finals.

No all-nighters necessary, just rest and relaxation. Of course, when you get to the test, you’ll be screwed, because you’ll be completely burnt out.

Hm.

Know what? Maybe you should just study.