Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, two pairs of White House hopefuls are in a thrilling race toward victory. Their mission? Save the cheerleader, save the world. Wait, that’s the mission on Heroes …

Their mission, which they have so ardently accepted, is to be elected president and vice president of this great nation. As far as we know, there aren’t any cheerleaders that need saving — but maybe the elected pair could do something to save America’s image as perceived by the rest of the world.

Who are these dynamic duos? Meet the Beacon of Hope and his trusty sidekick Commander Change, representing — well, hope and change. They are up against Team Maverick, a duo consisting of Captain Straight Talk and his feisty sidekick, the Lipstick Bulldog.

Both super-teams have encountered opposition along the way. Luckily for both of them, each team has an arsenal of superpowers that can be used to propel them past the competition!

Let’s pay a visit to the Donkey Cave and learn about Team Hope for Change’s superpowers.

The Beacon of Hope and Commander Change are an interesting pair, as they started as competitors within the Donkey League, fighting to become Head Donkey. However, Commander Change was eliminated from the battle after winning less than one percent of support in the Great Evaluation, held in the great state of Iowa.

The Beacon and the Commander bonded through their attempts to conquer the most formidable power of all — Team Clinton. Made up of The Pantsuit and her (mostly) loyal husband, Team Clinton was on a mission to take back the White House. Luckily for the Beacon of Hope, all he needed to beat The Pantsuit was the one power that she seemed to lack. What was this power? Likability.

After beating The Pantsuit, it would be natural to assume that the Beacon of Hope is an unstoppable superhero. However, the Beacon has one weakness.

Inexperience.

To his credit, the Beacon doesn’t let his weakness deter him. Many a potential supporter who has dwelled on the Beacon’s inexperience has been won over by his greatest superpower of all. What is this power, you ask?

Charisma.

Put the Beacon of Hope in front of a group of people, and you will see the effect as his superpower is unleashed. Inexperience? No longer an issue, the moment he opens his mouth. His Charisma subtly blankets the crowd, filling them with Hope. When the Beacon speaks, he gives the people something they can believe in. Change, to be specific.

Now that we’ve learned about the Beacon and the Commander, let’s take a look at Team Maverick.

Captain Straight Talk used a myriad of superpowers to push past his competitors, becoming Chief Elephant and the lead competitor against the Beacon of Hope.

Whenever people doubt him, he shoots rays of Experience, erasing all qualms. Three little letters — P.O.W. — give Captain Straight Talk an immense amount of superpower.

The Captain’s experience propelled him into serious contender status, but in the battle for the White House, the Beacon of Hope had a slight advantage. It was time for Captain Straight Talk to dig deep for a superpower that had never before been used by the Elephant League.

The superpower? Femininity — found in the form of the Lipstick Bulldog.

The Lipstick Bulldog gave Captain Straight Talk the greatest superpower seen in this battle. She made people talk, and for better or worse, put all eyes on Team Maverick.

With the addition of the Lipstick Bulldog, Team Maverick relies on a superpower that the Beacon and the Commander just don’t have.

That superpower is Realness.

What is Realness, you ask? It is the quality that all good Americans possess, and Team Maverick embodies it more than the Beacon of Hope could ever — um, hope to. It is a mysterious trait that cannot be completely defined due to its mystical nature — all we know is that it involves hard work, patriotism, and small-town values, and according to the Lipstick Bulldog, it can be found only in the “pro-America areas of this great nation.”

This brings us to our super-teams’ enemies. In short, they are the anti-Americans. Anti-American means different things to each super-team, and the definition could very well change from day to day. Just flip on a 24-hour news channel to find out who the latest anti-Americans are.

A week from now, barring any unforeseen complications, we will know the identity of the next super-team to occupy the White House. Who will prevail? Will we be led by hope and change, or straight talk and realness? Whichever team wins, will we find out what tangible qualities are actually embodied by the ideas of hope, change, straight talk, and realness?

Stay tuned to learn the outcome of this epic battle. Hopefully, no matter who prevails in the end, the winning team will start to show us the practical applications of the superpowers they have used to get this far.

— Jessica Opoien is a freshman in English and pre-journalism and mass communication from Marinette, Wis.