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Greetings, my fellow revolutionaries. I’ve successfully infiltrated the media, and I’d like to begin this pirate broadcast with a selection of lyrics from the Tony award-winning musical Avenue Q. The song is entitled “There Is Life Outside Your Apartment.” Enjoy.

“There is life outside your apartment/ I know it’s hard to conceive/ But there’s life outside your apartment/ And you’re only gonna see it if you leave/ There is cool s*** to do but it can’t come to you/ And who knows, dude? You might even score!/ There is life outside your apartment/ But you’ve got to open the door!”

As I listened to these lyrics, I began to think about another life outside. A life outside of politics. Ah, that dream world, where there isn’t an over-enthusiastic puppet manipulated by one of the many invisible tentacles oozing from Washington D.C. on every corner spouting inane questions and accusations, “Have you voted early? Huh? Huh? HAVE YOU? THE WORLD RESTS UPON YOUR SHOULDERS! VOTE! VOTE NOW!”

I escaped to this world for quite some time before I remembered that we live in the U.S.A. The United, Stupid A**hats. There has been so much crap thrown around during this campaign, and to my knowledge, no one is exempt from that statement. The idea that said “poo-flinging” does not elicit images of simple primates but rather cheers from crowds of thousands is absolutely mind-numbing.

Obama is still linked to Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and radical Islam. Why? His name. His freaking name. Because this man has a common middle name, he’s been called an immense multitude of slanderous titles, including “a terrorist’s best friend” by some dumb kid in Aurora, Colo. And no, I don’t have a problem calling an 11-year old stupid, because that’s what he is for wearing that shirt. Baseless, ignorant comments are just that. Stupid.

And of course, heaven forbid we elect a Muslim. Mind you, Obama isn’t one, but it shouldn’t matter if he were. Yet that, along with other ad hominem arguments, continually pop in from seemingly nowhere.

But let’s not forget the left in all of this, because there’s plenty awry there too. Earlier in his campaign, Obama endorsed an attack ad that infamously criticized John McCain’s incompatibility with computers. This was dismissed as unacceptable even by Obama’s running mate, Joe Biden.

McCain’s service in Vietnam has also been a subject of debate, with former President Jimmy Carter saying that McCain was “milking” it for political advantage. Quite honestly, I don’t support Senator McCain. But that doesn’t mean I can’t see that his service was admirable and that he’s an American hero.

Some women have told me that they feel Sarah Palin will give a female voice to the White House, and last year during Veishea guest Michael Ian Black’s performance, one girl said she was voting for Obama “because he’s black.” Wow. Let me tell ya: Those are fantastic arguments.

It’s like you can’t walk down the street anymore without every Joe and Jill Schmoe weighing in on the election. Even people who try to make cases defending their candidate sound idiotic at times.

Everyone rushed to defend Palin’s family when it came under scrutiny for the premaritally impregnated Bristol, saying that it was unfair for her to be criticized. Well, if there’s a glaring difference between personal life and stances on social policy, I think it ought to be investigated and critiqued.

Speaking of investigations, I absolutely loathe hearing people say that the Obama-Ayers connection — among others — should be completely ignored. No need to look up anything, they argue. Nope, Obama is perfect and can do no wrong.

If he hasn’t done any wrong, then let research show that. Don’t just say Obama’s so awesome he couldn’t possibly have shady dealings, because that’s just another example of stupidity rearing one of its three heads as it guards the gateway to hell.

So I think of these things, these monstrous atrocities that assault intelligence and reason, and I escape to a happier place.

A place that exists only in my mind, sadly.

A place that … Oh, my God. In pointing out the absurdity of it all, I have found myself talking exactly about what I despise! I’ve done exactly what they want! It’s over for me, my fellow Americans. I have become a mindless slave to the system.

Please, don’t be like me! Don’t be a rob—

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– Sophie Prell is a junior in pre-journalism and mass communication from Alta.