Haircuts.

One of those boring, mundane things that we all go through periodically. If you really think about it, haircuts are a bit like mowing your lawn — you do it only when it gets too long, and you have to keep doing it over and over so that the neighbors won’t get the wrong impression.

Some people have dispensed with the haircut altogether, but I feel as though this, too, is a mistake. A haircut, no matter how pointless cutting and re-cutting it may seem, and despite the seeming waste of time that it constitutes — it’s definitely hard to work on your Blackberry, answer your cell phone or read e-mail while chunks of hair fall past your face — is an essential activity on a variety of levels.

There is, however, a wide gulf between the awesome haircut, the decent haircut and the crappy haircut, aside from how it looks at the end.

I’m talking about the experience: the experience of getting your haircut. While being a cosmetologist may at first seem like one of the least complex professions imaginable, there are certain things that set some haircuts apart from others.

First, of course, is time. As mentioned above, a lot of people tend to view getting their haircuts as a chore. As such, timeliness and efficiency on the part of the cosmetologist is a big deal. Appointments are made and ought to be kept. Nothing so upsets the average person as showing up early to a 3:30 hair appointment and not starting the haircut until nearly 4:00. People have places to be and things they’d generally rather do than get their hair cut, let alone one that disrupts their schedules.

Once the haircut begins, efficiency becomes the main priority. While cosmetologists seem to have a self-perpetuated image as perfectionists, there’s got to be a limit. Unless you’re going to take a laser level to my sideburns, you’re going to have to live with the results of human error. That’s not to say that a sloppy haircut that leans more than the Leaning Tower of Pisa is acceptable — just that, well, who wants to sit there for an extra five minutes while the person with the scissors meticulously snips away in a pursuit of elusive perfection?

So, first rule of haircuts: Know when to start, and know when to stop.

Then there’s the issue of how to cut the hair. What kind of haircut? Short? Long? How much should be taken off? Do you wear your hair up or down most of the time? The barrage of questions is endless, especially if you’re new in town and this is the first time you’ve been to that particular place to get your haircut.

Now, maybe I’m wrong, but if I’m going to pay what most places seem to be asking for a haircut, then part of what I’m paying for is the cosmetologist’s expertise. Personally, my normal answer to the cosmetologist’s line of questioning is, simply, “You’re the expert.” Sure there’s a risk there, but a $20 haircut really ought to come with an informed opinion.

Informed opinions lead us, then, to the third and most important facet of the truly great haircut: conversation. Imagine being stuck in an elevator with someone for 10 to 20 minutes. That’s effectively the social situation you’re presented with when you get a haircut. If the other person — the cosmetologist — can’t hold up a conversation, you’re screwed. You sit in silence and watch the little clumps of hair float downward, feeling utterly awkward.

Perhaps you eventually try to strike up a conversation, but sometimes that’s more of a labor than a pleasure. Let’s face it: Most people don’t have enough in common with a cosmetologist in their mid-to-late 20s to really come up with a conversation off the cuff. That’s why it’s incumbent upon the cosmetologist to have stock subjects to bring up — reading the Wall Street Journal or the local newspaper would be a good start. Current events make excellent conversation.

Now if only there was such an easy way to eliminate that horrible scratchy feeling post-haircut.

– Ryan Frederick is a senior in management from Orient.