Dear oil companies,

I just wanted to be the first to thank you for not gouging me. In the last 3 months, the price of oil has fallen from $134 per barrel to $72, and I recognize that it is only by your consciences and newfound care for the American people that this has happened.

Though some crazy, ignorant people — let’s call them economists — may say that the price of oil has fallen only because the state of our economy has caused a decrease in the demand for oil, I know the truth. It was your greed — not market forces — that caused prices to rise before, and therefore it must be your lack of greed that has caused them to fall now. I’ve never really believed that “supply and demand” hocus-pocus anyway.

I know I speak for the rest of America when I express how appreciative I am that you have joined the ranks of the rest of the businesses in this country by no longer attempting to maximize your profits, and that you have begun to sell at a loss like everyone else.

Though this is probably the first letter of this sort that you have received, I’m sure that any day now the media will begin praising you and your new business plan. In fact, when I turn on MSNBC tonight, I fully expect to see a segment on how loved you are by the American people, filled with interviews of ordinary citizens talking about how your benevolence has been making their lives better. And, since you guys have quit price-gouging, I bet that Sen. Obama will even announce that he is overturning his plans to enact a windfall profits tax on you. I guess no good deed goes unrewarded!

Well, I had better let you get back to fulfilling your goal of saving the American people money. I hope I haven’t taken up too much of your time. Thanks again.

                                            Sincerely,

                                            Blake Hasenmiller

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for reversing all of your pro-oil policies that were keeping gas prices high. I’ve read in the newspaper and seen on TV that you and Vice President Cheney are oilmen and that you were intentionally driving prices up. Since it was the fault of your policies that oil prices were high, I know that it could only be the reversal of these policies that lowered them.

Although I don’t necessarily know what these policies are, I have heard repeatedly from the media that those policies, along with the greed of oil executives, determined oil prices. And, as everyone knows, journalists are the hands-down best source for economic knowledge. But now, thanks to your good moral sense, we are free from these evil policies and from high gas prices. If only John McCain could be more like you …

Now that you have changed your ways, I’m sure you will see a significant jump in your approval ratings, too. Better late than never, right? Thanks again.

                                            Sincerely,

                                            Blake Hasenmiller

— Blake Hasenmiller is a senior in industrial engineering and economics from De Witt