Countless movies have been created to scare the crap out of viewers, and we have spent many research hours watching most of them.

We’d like to help you out this Halloween, and have created a Field Guide to your Neighborhood Villains, just in case you happen to run across any while trick-or-treating this year. Without further ado:

Things we learned from movies:

1. Killers spend a lot of time working out. In the words of Leslie Vernon, “you’ve got to be able to look like a freaking gazelle, without getting winded. Plus, there’s that whole thing of making it look like you’re walking while everyone else is running their asses off.” Their secret? When you’re running, they’re running. You can’t see it because humans don’t have eyes in the back of their heads. It’s probably best to run backwards.

2. Women: You will always be chased when, inevitably, you are wearing heels. This Halloween, we suggest you wear your best pair of running shoes under your costume.

3. Let’s face it: Your car will never start when being chased by a zombie. Stop cranking your engine and run.

4. The darn things never die. It doesn’t matter if you whack ‘em, cut ‘em or shoot ‘em. We have yet to discover why it takes so much to kill these suckers but it’s a good idea to wear some kind of tool belt full of villain-killing materials.

5. When scary Psycho-type music starts to play, it’s time to run. Why has no one figured this out yet?

6. Never investigate. Ever. Didn’t your mother tell you curiosity killed the cat?

How to defeat scary villains:

Vampires — It is best to have a clove of garlic on you after the sun goes down. They can only enter a building into which they have been invited by someone already inside. We suggest checking all of your guest’s canine teeth before letting them enter your party. A wooden stake to the heart can kill them. They also seem to not be especially keen on holy water or crucifixes.

Zombies — Zombies can be identified by their low moaning and groaning, dark eye make-up and the fact they waddle stiffly while they walk. Remember, you don’t have to be able to run fast with zombies, you just have to be able to run faster than your slowest friend. A sword is also a good way to kill a zombie, so if you have one around, attach it to your tool belt before you go out.

Werewolves — These can be identified by their patchy hair, big ears, sharp teeth and the way they howl at the moon before they transform. If any of your friends start showing these symptoms, it’s best to start carrying a gun full of silver bullets.

Jeepers Creepers — Does this thing actually have a name? Don’t worry, it only comes out in spring, and only once every 23 years. This beast has wings, talons, teeth and generally takes the form of a scarecrow. We’ve yet to find a way to kill it.

Scary Demon Children — These children have a tendency not to talk very much. Animals are afraid of them and people around them tend to die. Check under their hair to see if there is a 666 birthmark. They have to be killed in a church. Drop the thing off at your local church, temple, mission or rectory.

Now a word from our expert on the occult:

It has come to my attention that many of you are planning on having a frightfully good time this Halloween, and I’d like to contribute something a bit more on the serious side to this discussion, if I may.

Ahem.

Despite any persuasion from outside influences, despite all the peer pressure you will surely face from your friends, don’t interact with freaky sh*t!!

Don’t touch it, don’t go near it, don’t look at it, don’t even think about it!

God forbid your curiosity get the best of you and you wind up impregnated with an alien spawn that later rips through your ribcage.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. It’s not something to make light of, either! If you receive an alien’s embryo via your esophagus, you’re making it with every other life form that alien has ever been with.

Is that something you want?

I suggest bringing fire with you at all times, as this is clearly the most rational and sound course of action.

Zombies? Fire. Vampires? Fire. Aliens? Fire. Haunted house? “We don’t need no water, let that mutha-f*cker burn.”

About the only thing this won’t work on is a werewolf. You see, only a silver bullet through the heart of a werewolf will destroy this beast. And those are pretty hard to come by.

Yet, even werewolves are not the worst of it, my friends.

Unlike every other beast I’ve mentioned here, there are those that are immortal. Should Ker’nath, Lord of Terror, Overseer of the Lake of Blood, and King of Being Unkind to Adorable Puppies arise from his ancient slumber, the best most of you can do is pray for the release of a quick and merciful death.