Once upon a time gentlemen strove to live nobly in accordance with an unwritten code of chivalry that encouraged honor, courtesy and gallantry toward women.

Yes, these men were knights, and this was centuries ago, but their practices are not irrelevant. Hundreds of years later, chivalry came to represent men who acted courteously toward women. Gentlemen stood when a lady entered the room; on a sidewalk, a gentleman walked on the side closest to the street to shield the lady from passing traffic; when approaching a door, there was no question — gentlemen opened doors for ladies.

Our grandparents grew up with these expectations, and they were passed on to some of our parents. They were taught alongside “please” and “thank you,” to the point that most people thought nothing of them. Chivalry wasn’t an idealistic concept, it was common courtesy. Yet this courtesy isn’t quite so common anymore. Somewhere along the way chivalry was lost, and I want to know where it went.

As soon as I was in high school and old enough to go on dates — real dates, where the boy picks you up, not middle school dates where your parents drop you off and you meet at the movies — my mom told me to always let the man open my door for me. I tried to explain that guys don’t do that anymore, but she insisted that someone with manners would. Excluding three proms for which my dresses wouldn’t allow me to get in and out of the car without help, every date throughout high school involved me opening my own doors. I never thought less of a guy because he didn’t open my door — but every time we walked into a building or got in the car, I couldn’t help but wonder — if he thought more highly of me, would he open my door?

Surveying students here at Iowa State, I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one over-thinking things during the crucial moment when the door is reached. Freshman Josh Peterson said, “In the instances when I don’t grab the door, it always runs through my head, ‘Does she think I’m a jerk? Should I have just opened it?’ Always.”

Away from high school, I have learned that there are considerate men who open doors for women — not because they feel obligated to, but because it’s a nice thing to do. I was struck particularly by a gentleman on my floor. Anytime we walk together, not only does he open the door for me, he even picks up his pace to make sure he gets there just before I do. It’s a subtle gesture, and it doesn’t imply that I can’t do it myself; it’s simply an extra effort that is very much appreciated.

At first I thought this young man was part of a dying breed. Then I spoke with 15 male students and found that the concept of chivalry is not dead. It’s just floundering a bit. Of the men I spoke with, 53 percent said “yes” when asked if they opened doors for women. Twenty-seven percent responded “most of the time” or “if I’m thinking about it,” and 20 percent responded with a firm “always.” Most of these men were told to open doors for women by their mothers. In terms of learning by example, the most common influences were grandparents and other elderly relatives.

I also surveyed 15 female students, 60 percent of whom that men don’t often hold doors for them. Interesting — maybe the 53-percent group from the male survey should meet this group of women! The answers of the remaining group were a mixture of various forms of “sometimes.” When asked how they feel when a man opens a door for them, the most common answers were “surprised,” “appreciated,” “good” and “honored.” The exception was a young woman who decided that it depends on how much she’s carrying at the time.

There are clearly some gender issues at play when it comes to chivalry. Certainly, women have made important advances and have many more to make. Some might argue that chivalry works against those advances. However, today chivalry is more about courtesy and respect than gender-specific treatment. Of treating others with respect and courtesy, sophomore Nate Dobbels said, “I expect it of myself.” There are just some things that people should do out of consideration for others.

We address superiors with appropriate titles. We open and hold doors for the elderly, along with anyone who might need help. We give preferential seating to pregnant women, the elderly and those with disabilities. As students, we listen and follow the instructions out of respect for our professors. Chivalry shouldn’t be any different. The majority of men who practice chivalry don’t think females are inferior or weak — on the contrary, they want to show their respect for women.

An important reoccurring attitude in my research was that opening doors for women is more about being nice to people in general than anything else.

I’m not asking for men to throw their coats on the ground for me to walk on. I just want to make sure that the subtle courtesy of gentlemen opening doors for ladies isn’t lost in an era where the little things seem to go increasingly unnoticed. Chivalry isn’t dead. Let’s try to keep it alive and healthy.

— Jessie Opoien is a freshman in English from Marinette, Wis.

SURVEY RESPONSES

Men’s Questions:

1. When you’re walking with a woman, do you open the door for her? If so, why?

2. Did anyone ever teach you or tell you to open doors for women (or any other “chivalrous” act)?

3. Did you learn any chivalrous (or non-chivalrous) habits by example?

4. What would you think of a woman who expects you to open doors for her?

5. Is chivalry dead? Is it still relevant or appropriate?

Men’s Responses:

1. Always. I do it without thinking of it.

2. My mom always brought it up as a good idea, and it kind of developed.

3. My uncle.

4. It’s a good expectation, but I can see where guys would get upset.

5. It’s not dead. It has its own merits. It’s underappreciated, but not dead or irrelevant.

1. Always. It’s a nice thing to do, and it’s a habit.

2. Yes. My father…or maybe GQ. I’m pretty sure it was my dad.

3. From my dad.

4. She’s not my type.

5. It is subdued, but not dead. It’s about being a nice person – the little things.

1. If I’m thinking of it.

2. Yes – elderly family members.

3. Older people.

4. She has a more traditional or conservative attitude.

5. It is always appropriate, depending on the context. The social norm is always changing.

1. Yes.

2. My mommy.

3. Yes, from my grandparents.

4. If she demands it, no.

5. It’s dying, but it is still appropriate.

1. Yes if the moment calls for it and depending on who is ahead/where the door is located. I rarely run ahead to get the door because I feel that it would make it kind of awkward and I would seem desperate or something. I’d rather have the chivalry be subtle. And in the instances where I don’t grab the door, it always runs through my head ‘Does she think I’m a jerk? Should I have just opened it?’ ALWAYS.

2. No, not that I can remember. I might have picked it up in movies or television shows. There is one teacher (from middle school and high school) that always had the girls leave first and hold the guys back until all the girls were gone. It just became a habit to have the girls leave first.

3. Not really, no.

4. That she needs to get down to earth…not all men are going to do that. I try if it doesn’t involve going out of my way. If some girl expects it out of me every time, what other demands does she have? I don’t want to treat someone like a Disney princess…just as a girl-buddy kind of.

5. I don’t think chivalry is necessarily dead…just less of an issue now. Girls want to have the same privileges and be treated the same as men…so in my opinion it’s still around, just dormant.

1. Yes. Because it’s what a guy should do. Period. It’s called being nice, being considerate, and making a good impression. Old-fashioned values are something we’ve totally lost in today’s society, and that’s a tragedy. If anything, it’s about respect for the girl and acknowledging that respect. We hear all the time about domestic and sexual abuse, as well as various other ways that women are mistreated, and I like to think that somehow it’s a small way of showing the world that not every guy out there has lost his mind.

2. Nope. I guess in the culture I was raised in it was just kind of assumed — I was raised around people who did that, but it was never an expressed thing.

3. See #2.

4. Well, being presumptuous is never good, but I don’t think it’s about expectations — or at least it shouldn’t be. It’s incumbent upon the guy to do so, but if he forgets or something — which I sometimes do — it shouldn’t be the end of the world. I guess a shorter way of saying it would be that it’s incumbent upon the guy to take care of it, but it’s not the female shouldn’t be enforcing it as though it’s expected. There’s more to relationships than getting a door opened, being lent a guy’s sweatshirt because you’re cold, or getting a ride across Ames in a rainstorm. It’s the icing, not the cake. The cake consists of the notions, mannerisms and attitudes that lead a guy to do that of his own accord.

5. I like to think not. There are still nice guys in the world, even if they’re not the cutest, hottest or most athletic. Our society today seems to place a premium on those more physical traits, and as a result chivalry — and basic items of good civil conduct and politeness — have been marginalized. But they’re still there, and the guys who still find that important are still there, a sort of diamond in the rough, perhaps.

Women’s Questions:

1. Do men often open or hold doors for you?

2. How do you feel when men open doors (or any other chivalrous act) for you?

3. Is chivalry demeaning to women?

4. Is chivalry respectful to women?

5. Did anyone ever teach you (or show by example) what you attitude toward chivalry should be?

Women’s Responses

1. No.

2. I’m always surprised – it’s really nice.

3. No, as long as it’s convenient.

4. Yeah.

5. Not really.

1. Somewhat.

2. I like that kind of thing.

3. It depends on the attitude behind it. If a man thinks a woman can’t do something for herself, then yes.

4. Again, it depends on the attitude. If it’s done out of respect, then yes.

5. Not really.

1. No.

2. Honored…although it depends on the guy.

3. It depends on the context and attitude. If a man thinks a woman is too weak, yes.

4. It depends on the context and attitude.

5. Fairy tales, but not actual people.

1. Mostly in dining halls and classrooms.

2. It’s nice to be acknowledged. It’s common courtesy.

3. No.

4. Yes – it’s respectful to people in general.

5. I learned mostly by example.

1. No.

2. I feel appreciated.

3. No.

4. Yeah, it’s respectful to everyone.

5. No.

1. Men hold doors, but don’t usually open them.

2. It depends on how much I’m carrying. If I have a lot, it’s nice. Otherwise I’m thinking, ‘I can open the damn door myself!’

3. No, not terribly.

4. Somewhat, as long as it’s not insinuating weakness. It’s part of etiquette.

5. No.