In the spirit of recent government handouts, bailouts, emergency rescue plans, extraordinary large financial infusions and obscenely low low-interest loans, we at the Iowa State Daily Editorial Board have some things we’d like to see “bailed out,” as long as Washington is lending $25 billion to the auto industry and mulling over giving $700 billion of our money to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s friends and former colleagues.

Polar bears. Recent research shows that some of them are turning to cannibalism because they can’t find enough food. That earns the awkward pairing of being the most sad and most adorable thing ever. Would someone build these bears an ice castle already?

The potato industry. What with this recent financial crisis, what this world really needs is cheaper vodka, truer to its roots.

“30 Rock.” Tina Fey, please devote all your time to Sarah Palin impressions — and re-enactments.

The CW, so it can revive “7th Heaven.” TV hasn’t been the same since it ended its run. “The Hills” just isn’t as wholesome.

The residents of Ketchikan, Ala. Rumor has it they need a bridge to get to an island that has maybe three people and a dangerous, rabid squirrel on it.

The ethanol industry, so those of us in Iowa can have cheaper gas. Oh … wait.

The city of Chicago. Billions will be the price tag to clean up the Magnificent Mile if the Cubs don’t win the World Series this year.

The city of Ames. With winter coming, that can mean only one thing: fender benders! Well, two things, really, if you count the city billing students for not shoveling their sidewalks. Someone buy this place a nice shiny fleet of salting machines, lest we go flying around curves and into neighbors’ lawns, come December.

Inexpensive prostitutes. An article on www.slate.com reasoned that luxury escorts are seeing more business because all these hedge fund managers are stressed out about a few bill’. But what about those who service the less affluent? Can’t forget them.

Our bank accounts. Seven hundred billion dollars? Please. We’d be happy with $700. Ecstatic with $7,000. Could it be possible that we’re all so in debt after leaving this institution because we take our financial tips from the federal government?