My friends, John “The Maverick” McCain has picked Sarah Palin to sit at his right hand, a mere heartbeat away from the presidency. And when the presidential hopeful is 72 and a cancer survivor, that’s saying something.

Now, there are many, many, many attributes Mrs. Palin holds that qualify her for this position. Let’s do a quick rundown:

Mayor of the second-largest city in Alaska, according to Karl Rove. That “city” of course being Wasilla, which had a population of roughly 6,000 during Palin’s mayor-ship. Wow. Huge. Yet, I cannot help but feel there’s something a little “off” about this statistic. Oh yeah, it’s wrong.

Wasilla is not the second largest city in Alaska. That title belongs to Fairbanks, with a population of over 83,000 people according to the 2000 census. Still, I suppose I can see where the mistake could be made. Those numbers are pretty close to one another.

Glaringly incorrect population statistics aside, she was governor of the entire state. Let’s not forget that major accomplishment. Indeed, it must be quite the burden to lead the state with the lowest population density of the country, with just over one person per square mile. What other qualifications does this wonderful candidate hold?

According to Fox News morning host Steve Doocy, she has the foreign policy experience necessary to step into the shoes of the president should the need arise. Why? Well, she lives close to Russia, of course. Duh.

Cindy McCain, beer mogul and upgrade-choice wife to John McCain, seconded this. Never mind actually interacting with the Russians. Never mind the fact that “experience” was the thing Senator Obama was most criticized for by the McCain camp. No, this woman with two terms of city council, two terms as mayor of Wasilla, and two years as governor of Alaska … She’s totally qualified.

She’s also a conservative. As you may have heard, she supports the Second Amendment. What a brave woman, standing up for guns. How completely unforeseen! Curse that Barack Obama and his opposition to everyday citizens carrying concealed weapons. I can think of no rational reason why everyone should not carry around a hidden, lethal firearm.

She’s also pro-life. She’s so pro-life that she would like to overturn Roe v. Wade so that women would not have the legal choice of abortion.

Keep that in mind. It’s important.

Now, Palin says that her 17-year-old unmarried pregnant daughter made the “decision” to keep her baby. What this discrepancy between policy and personal life says to me is thus: “We who have power make choices, but you shouldn’t be able to.” Let’s not forget that Palin promotes abstinence-only education, as she clearly stated during her 2006 run for Governor. Obviously that form of sex-ed worked out pretty well.

She’s not only the ideal social conservative, but she fits this description fiscally, too. According to a Wasilla resident, “During her six years as mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33 percent. During those same six years the amount of taxes collected by the city increased by 38 percent. … She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million.”

So with all of these qualifications, it’s really no wonder Mr. McCain has snagged up Sarah Palin to be his VP. But let’s not forget the biggest contribution Palin has lent John McCain: her genitals.

After the bitter battle between Obama and Clinton, many Clinton supporters — women especially — were reported as feeling tossed aside, thrown into the cold. Betrayed.

Thank goodness John McCain sees that women are replaceable and that female voters will flock to whatever representative shares the common trait of ovaries.

P.S. I hope your sarcasm meters were going off the scale with that last sentence.

That’s what the Palin pick says to me — that John McCain cares more about winning an election than running the country. He would rather pick a running mate who appeals to needed voters than someone who is competent. He needs female votes. He picked a woman. He needs conservative votes. He couldn’t get Jesus, so he settled on Palin.

I understand this happens and has happened this year in both the Democrat and Republican camps. Balancing a ticket to win is not what bothers me. The idea that McCain’s strategy is so obvious and transparent is what bothers me.

Yet, crowds of conservatives flocked to the McCain convention like liberals flock to peace rallies and hookah shacks. Religious officials are endorsing the Republican ticket as the moral choice. It looks like if you want to be a good person, McCain is the way to go. Unfortunately, the most important judge of morality — the big guy Himself — could not be contacted to share His thoughts.

— Sophie Prell is a junior in pre-journalism and mass communication from Alta.