I didn’t plan on getting in a pissing match, but after reading Mike’s column my fly is down.

And I don’t get stage fright.

Here is some history: Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz is 3-6 against the Cyclones and, for some reason, trusts an untested quarterback to bring home lucky win No. 4.

Starting quarterback Ricky Stanzi played well enough last Saturday to get a few coeds excited, but he hasn’t faced a real Div. I defense yet. Iowa State’s defense has nine takeaways in two games and will force Jake Christensen back into the game before Iowa City fans can say “Boo.”

The Hawkeyes are favored by 13.5 points, and rumor has it that even Gary Barta, the Hawkeye’s athletic director, bet the spread. I heard he thought it was the best way to cover Ferentz’s severance check.

Iowa has dominated the line of scrimmage and only allowed three points in its first two games, but that sounds awfully similar to last year. So let’s learn our lesson and be real about how meaningless Iowa’s first two wins really are.

I’m pretty sure Maine only gives out academic scholarships, and Florida International would need its A-game to beat Indiana’s scout team.

Sure, Iowa State’s opponents haven’t been very good either, but they are at least competitive. South Dakota State has six straight winning seasons and beat a higher-ranked — in the FCS — Youngstown State team, 40-7, in week two.

Last year, Kent State was good enough to beat Iowa State — which, as you may remember, beat Iowa.

I assume one of the duties enclosed in Ferentz’s $3.2 million contract is creating the team’s schedule. The only explanation for scheduling Maine and FIU first is that he thought Mr. All America — I mean Christensen — would need a confidence boost before this weekend.

Ferentz apparently scrapped that idea, but after being sacked 46 times last year, Christensen knows how to take a hit. That experience alone should make him the starter this weekend.

If Iowa State can stop the run, ISU coach Gene Chizik’s defense will tee off on Stanzi.

Chizik has been serving players extra helpings of motivation all week, saying in the press conference that the Cyclones are “not very good” and will need to play “a near perfect” game to win.

I can only imagine what he will say Saturday in that pink locker room you’re still patting yourself on the back for.

Chizik will out-coach Ferentz by the 11:03 a.m. kickoff, and that dirty bird, Herky, will have his flask out by half-time, murmuring about next year.

But no one will notice because the game will already be over.

— Luke Plansky is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Fort Dodge.