Five, four, three, two, one: Happy New Year! Some fools celebrate the new year on New Year’s Day, but college students know that August marks the real new year, as months of vacation cease, classes begin and apartments or dorm rooms begin to feel like home.

Although we celebrate on a different day, students fall into the same yearly trap as the rest of the world: the impossible, doomed-from-day-one, who-did-I-think-I-was-fooling New Year’s resolution.

The Workout Resolution

Certainly, the dining centers have taken their toll on us all. Although the luscious brownie claims to be a menu option, it soon becomes a menu demand, enticing all who have taste buds into its lardy lair. But not this semester, you health-conscious workout buff — this will be the semester of Lied Rec and garden salads. Heck, how hard is it to wake up a little early every morning and go for a quick jog, or perhaps lift some weights and build some biceps?

Unfortunately for most of us, this resolution will soon falter, freeing up elliptical machines everywhere for impatient, size-two toe-tapping sophomores. The good news is most of us will be getting in shape this semester. The bad news is that shape is round.

The Do More Resolution

There is no time like the present to raise that GPA, join some organizations, volunteer and live a balanced life. Yes, this fall screams academia. Do a little bit of reading every night and never fall behind. These four years (or five for you lucky super seniors) will fly by so fast, spending quality time with roommates is also a must-do. Oh, and your resume is looking a bit sparse, so it’s time to selflessly volunteer to mentor high schoolers, or at least donate some blood. Internships and graduate schools don’t usually hire people who don’t apply, now do they?

Additionally, it’s a new year, so let’s all keep our rooms organized, take personal time to reflect on where we are going in life and not to mention sleep at least eight hours a night so we aren’t as caffeine-addicted as last year. Unfortunately, unless we want to replace coffee with speed, resolving to fit 48 hours in a 24-hour day is simply asking for failure.

The Relationship Resolution

Clearly, I’ve been approaching this resolution revolution all wrong — this isn’t the year to lose weight or pack more into a day. The Beatles said it best with “All You Need is Love.” It’s time to fast-track your way into a lifetime of commitment; Facebook every individual with potential to ensure their single status. After all, why waste time developing a perfectly good friendship if a relationship isn’t probable? Next, the moment you sense a fraction of mutual attraction, pounce before you wind up as a lonely cat lady, knitting sweaters from their hair. Heaven forbid you graduate college and enter the real world without a serious relationship. This is the year to find a little love, and the faster you lock in the commitment, the sooner you can move on to other resolutions. Don’t worry about engaging your own interests or becoming the kind of person your dream date may be attracted to — that sort of advice only comes from people who don’t understand the woes of singles. Go get ‘em!

The Procrastination Resolution

And finally, this is the year not to put things off any longer. Super serious, no more checking our e-mail when it’s time to study. Watching the Office should never take precedence over a paper, especially when it’s due the next day. Using humor as a device not to deal with pressing assignments, such as a paragraph in an oh-so-serious Daily editorial, is never acceptable. It’s time to have stamina and get things done no matter how hard — that’s what she… If you can finish this phrase, there goes another resolution.

The Realistic Resolution

Okay, fine, its time to be honest. We’re all probably going to gain a little weight, or at least keep some of the freshman fifteen as a fun souvenir. More likely than not, we’ll be reckless with our time, fall ridiculously behind in at least one class, and most definitely pull at least one all-nighter before this year is through. Truth be told, most of us will fall in and out of a few relationships or maybe even get lucky and find a soul mate. Procrastinators like myself may even find themselves turning in assignments, or columns, at the break of dawn. Regardless, we all should stop worrying so much about what this year will be, and simply enjoy the experience of being in college. 

-Julie Young is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Indianola.