It’s that day again. The day that we – collectively known as Western society – celebrate the piece de resistance of greeting card holidays: St. Valentine’s Day.

Curiously, nowhere in the Roman Catholic Church’s acta of St. Valentine is he associated with love, romance or little winged guys with bows and arrows. It was the English who injected the romantic connotations into St. Valentine’s feast day. From there, naturally, the traditions spread across the Atlantic, where Americans have taken great pleasure in dropping unfathomable amounts of money contriving every kind of romantically inclined Valentinian candies, flower arrangements, cards and other “goodies.”

One such creation is the lowly conversation heart: about half an inch across and almost pure sugar. Now, it’s not often that one happens upon foods that also bear messages. To that end, the writer of this column has endeavored to take you on a single person’s thought journey through a bag of Valentine conversation hearts (or at least as much of a bag as a person can eat before vomiting*).

Head/Heels – In what? A person can be head over heels in a lot of things, and it isn’t always very pleasant.

You Rock – I’m sure you do, good job.

Soul Mate – Ah, yes. That longed for, often sought, but as-of-yet unfound person. Does she exist? I can only hope.

You Rock – I get it already. I rock. Somehow that shouldn’t equate to having nothing better than homework to do the night of Feb. 14.

I Want U – Oh good, I’m wanted, finally! . by a candy-making machine that can’t spell.

You Rock – Seriously – enough is enough – it’s like the bag of conversation hearts is taunting me now.

Head/Heels – Asked and answered.

Good 4 You – Not only has the candy-making machine learned to spell the pronoun “you,” but now it really is taunting me: “Good 4 You, you’re still single. Sucker. .” It also apparently has issues spelling “for.”

Head/Heels – It’s like a bad exam question that just keeps coming up. At least it’s green this time.

Good Times – Only if I find a cold bottle of wine waiting for me tonight.

I’m In Love – OK, something is definitely wrong. The candy-making machine can find love, but I can’t? I didn’t even know candy-making machines were capable of feeling emotion.

No Way – It’s seriously mocking me now. I feel a lawsuit coming on. Brach’s Confections Inc. is going down.

I’m In Love – How does a machine that couldn’t spell “for” two minutes ago know how to punctuate?

Party Time – I wonder if there are any singles parties tonight – eh, I won’t get invited anyway.

A torn and mangled pink heart that somehow got past quality control – Now this I can identify with. Love, generally the unrequited kind, tends to produce hearts just like this. It’s a little sad, really – this heart that never got to be itself because it never found its other half.

Honey Pie – I’ve never had that kind of pie. Might have to request it for Easter dinner.

Talk 2 Me – I would, but you’re a machine. A machine that can’t spell “to.” It’s one of the peppermint-flavored ones. Yuck.

I Want U – I’m being stalked by a candy-making machine. Great.

You Rock – These are starting to taste like rocks.

Sweet Thing – A little too sweet, really. This sugar high is going to keep me going for a while.

Head/Heels – A little originality would really be nice at this point.

Guess What? – No, you won’t tell me anyway.

No Doubt – . that these are starting to make me sick. Being single on Valentine’s Day was bad enough without a stomachache.

Guess Who? – I’ve guessed before, and lost big. Guessing never seems to work out for me.

Sugar Lips – No kidding.

I’m In Love – Good for you. I’d really like to be too, but – well – yeah, about that.

Thought provoking, if not stomach churning, isn’t it? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need some Rolaids and a toothbrush.

*Note: The author actually consumed a large quantity of conversation hearts in the course of the composition of this column. While this act of journalistic bravado may be impressive, it is not recommended. As always, do not try this at home.

– Ryan Frederick is a senior in management from Orient.