First it was O.J. Simpson. Then Michael Vick. Barry Bonds. O.J. – again. Now it’s Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee.

The parade of investigated, subpoenaed, indicted and convicted sports stars seems endless. The latest major story – the controversy over whether or not Roger Clemens took steroids – has dominated SportsCenter for well over a week now. ESPN prides itself on being a sports network and, sadly, federal prosecution seems to have become an everyday part of professional sports these days. Who knew that ESPN had its own legal analysts?

A few channels away from ESPN used to lie lowly CourtTV. Until recently, they specialized in all things legal, from courtroom simulcasts and legal analyses to the more mundane aspects of legal procedure explanation. CourtTV’s viewership was, to say the least, somewhat lower than ESPN’s, but had the advantage of not playing host to guys like Dick Vitale or Doug Gottlieb.

Given current conditions, what could a marriage of these two media outlets produce? ESPN has already shown a willingness to multiply its channel offerings with ESPN2 and ESPNClassic in addition to their parent channel. Why not ESPNLegal? ESPNCourtTV?

The benefits to the consumer public are quite obvious: Why do people watch ESPN? To see sports. Why aren’t they seeing as much about sports on ESPN as they used to? Because Barry and Roger may or may not have stuck themselves in the butt with a syringe at some point.

Move all the “legal action” – if such an oxymoron can really be used – to another channel affiliated with ESPN, and the regular ESPN channels could devote more airtime to what those of us tuning in really want to see: more slam dunks, more touchdowns, more buzzer-beaters and more massive NASCAR wrecks.

By calling upon the ex-CourtTV crowd’s inherent expertise in the legal arena, ESPN could ensure itself of qualified legal opinions coming from its analysts and could dispense with the expense of having its own in-house legal team waiting in the wings for the next Michael Vick or Roger Clemens.

Instead of being sponsored by major advertisers like Gatorade or Nike, the new channel could be supported by large legal firms, the Bar Association, or even ads by local bail bondsmen.

To give it that ESPN-esque feel, the schedule – when not devoted to courtroom or Congressional hearing coverage – could feature such icons of the television world as “Legalcenter,” “Late Night with Kelvin Sampson” and, for the true hardcore lego-philes left disenchanted by the breakup of CourtTV, “John [Roberts] and John [Paul Stevens] in the Morning”.

As far as hosts and television personalities for this new creation, there are several possibilities, including:

Henry Waxman – Perhaps the only person ESPN could possibly put on TV who approaches Lou Holtz’s age. Lou, however, is more concise, more charismatic and more interesting.

Kelvin Sampson – From the sound of things, he’ll be looking for a new gig before long. Would have interesting insights into controversies arising from NCAA recruiting rules, among other things.

Bob Knight – He’s already helped host a local golf show in Indiana (for some of the more colorful highlights, see YouTube), so give him a cooking show, perhaps. Just keep the knives at a safe distance.

Pete Rose – For bonus coverage of the poker tournaments that dominate ESPN’s slow days.

George W. Bush – If he knows anything – which is by no means a guarantee – it’s baseball. He also has a tendency to point things out long after they’ve become obvious to everyone else, a la Lee Corso. Might be able to sign a package deal and get Alberto Gonzales, too.

In all seriousness, however: we turn on ESPN – which is the Entertainment Sports and Programming Network, after all – to watch sports, not to check how Clemens’ antiperspirant is holding up to Henry Waxman (who may, actually, be made of wax – we’re awaiting the test results).

Since sports stars show no sign of wanting to clean up their acts, the entertainment outlets that bring their work to us ought to adjust their coverage accordingly.

On second thought, I’d like to hear Dick Vitale pronounce “subpoena” and “indictment.”

– Ryan Frederick is a senior in management from Orient.