Years ago, a brilliant man by the name of Stuart Smalley told America that he was good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people liked him. This was a fictional character that shined through the up-and-coming liberal political satirist Al Franken. Franken, a fellow Minnesotan, decided in 2004 to help start up an all-liberal, all-the-time talk radio station called Air America. But after a brief honeymoon period, the network fell into the ditch, and last week filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

If Stuart Smalley taught his portrayer anything, it’s that he should be smart enough to realize that liberals won’t listen to the radio. But why would this happen even when there is a blatantly liberal programming base heading the operations? Here are some of the reasons I came up with that may help us better understand this phenomenon.

Radio stations are run by bloodthirsty corporations. If it’s not Clear Channel Communications, then it’s CBS Corporation or RealNetworks Inc., whose CEO owns 36.7 percent of the radio network. Corporations only want two things from you – your money and your soul – so if we listen to their stations, we are succumbing to their every demand. And since chief executive officers are evil Republicans, we are doing nothing but supporting a wicked Texan’s regime by listening to any radio station that is currently on the air, including the corporate-run Air America. We need to stay safe from these malevolent conglomerates and purchase our music off iTunes instead.

Rush Limbaugh makes liberal ears bleed. So it may be true that anything this right-wing, prescription-drug-addicted nut job says is the primary cause of severe ear infections for every member of the Democratic Party, but using Limbaugh has always been a weapon against liberals.

Say you need to clear the forest before you start chopping down trees for lumber that is necessary to build houses or other structures. Just play some Rush on the loudspeakers and workers will come tearing out of the woods, chains in hand. Protesters in the streets blocking your drive to work? It is a common tactic to roll down your automatic power windows in your non-Volkswagen, German-engineered vehicle and turn up “The Rush Limbaugh Show” on your stereo system, and watch them disappear, putting you well on your way to your economy-boosting career.

Sure Limbaugh would probably never go on Air America, but liberals cannot turn on the AM radio without being paranoid of Limbaugh sneaking up on them with his take on gun control or welfare. He’ll be waiting for you at “Club G’itmo.”

You can’t listen to the radio on your iPod. Well, this is only half true. It is possible to download podcasts from Air America off iTunes, but who really wants to listen to boring talk shows while they shut themselves off from the real world? That duty has already been reserved for the left-wing independent underground rock bands such as Green Day and The Dixie Chicks.

They don’t play talk radio at the local coffee shop. No one really wants to listen to what is going on in the world while they read and drink their mocha lattes. Liberals have to get in their zone. You can’t prepare for a protest rally at the local Wal-Mart by listening to “The Young Turks” or “The Sam Seder Show.”

All Franken needed to do was listen to that alter ego of his, Stuart Smalley. Maybe then he would have remembered that trying to get his fellow liberals to listen to the radio is like trying to keep Mark Foley away from his Congressional pages.

So maybe next time he has a “Daily Affirmation,” Franken can devise a plan that will really benefit the Democratic Party, instead of a business that his conservative talk show counterparts can call out as a complete failure.

–Andy Gionnette is a junior in mechanical engineering from Chanhassen, Minn.