Let’s face it, college students eat like crap. We could sit here and preach to you – tell you how to exercise, to avoid fatty foods and the like – but in a couple weeks you’ll be back to your old ways again. If you’re like most students, dollar drive-thru menus and late-night carryout specials are a way of life. Sure, you probably spent the summer months slimming down, working up a sweat and trying to look good in your new swimsuit.

But school is back in full swing now, and the last thing you want to be doing on a chilly fall night is hunting down the ingredients to a grilled chicken Caesar salad, let alone having to actually prepare one.

Here at FYI, we feel for you. We know you blew all your money at the bar this past weekend and now you only have $10 left to feed yourself for the week. We know your idea of a three-course meal is Ramen noodles, Kool-Aid and your roommate’s leftover Pokey Stix. And that’s why it’s all about how much bang you can get for your buck. And by bang, I of course mean calories, sodium and saturated fat. You know, the good stuff.

That’s where I come in. During the course of one day, armed with $10, an elastic waistband and a can-do attitude, this reporter has set out to do the student populace a service. In the name of scientific research and investigative journalism, I have volunteered to sacrifice my body, health and human dignity to answer a question you didn’t even know you had: “How many calories can I pack away on a limited budget?”

Just think of me as the poor college student’s Morgan Spurlock. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to supersize myself for the afternoon. And remember, I’m doing all this so that you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

9:15 a.m. – Breakfast

Let’s start the morning with a bag of Fritos from the vend-o-land machine. They’re sort of like Corn Flakes, only much greasier, saltier and tastier.

9:40 a.m. – Brunch

I eyed a microwaveable breaded chicken sandwich from the Kum & Go cooler and topped it with three free packets of Hellmann’s mayonnaise – I can’t pass up free mayonnaise. And to wash it all down, a 64-ounce oil drum of Mountain Dew known as the Double Gulp. 1170 calories for a mere $2.38 after tax. What a deal.

The best part is, I can keep my “Kup” and refill it for a buck ($1.06 after tax) whenever I want. That equals about 1.6 cents per ounce of pop. Not to mention the additional 800 calories. What a glorious world we live in.

9:50 a.m.

Note to self: When walking across campus eating a sandwich, don’t try to wave at cute jogging girls when you have mayo dripping down your chin. It doesn’t seem to help your cause.

10:15 a.m.

What’s the meal called between brunch and lunch? I don’t know either, but mine was a bowl of chicken-flavored Maruchan Ramen Noodles, which are three for $1 at Hy-Vee. Remember kids, “chicken-flavored” means that the taste will vaguely remind you of chicken, not that it actually tastes like chicken. Big difference.

11:00 a.m. – Lunch.

I scarf down a Whopper Jr. and small fries, courtesy of the Burger King dollar menu. And no french fries are complete without a healthy dose of ketchup and ranch dressing. If you mix them together, you get a concoction known in certain circles as “ranchup.” Helpful hint: if you ask for the ranch dressing after you’ve already paid, chances are they won’t bother to charge you for it. Score!

11:10 a.m.

I’m finding it’s kind of a challenge to drive with a keg of pop in between my thighs. Why doesn’t my car have a 64-ounce size cupholder? Maybe I need to get an SUV, I bet they have them.

11:40 a.m.

More Ramen. Yum. Maybe I should go vomit all over my editor’s desk. That would really bring this story to life, I think. Or maybe my brain isn’t functioning correctly because of excessive ranch dressing buildup in my limbic system.

12:30 p.m. – Post lunch

Hello, Taco Bell Beef and Potato Burrito. I’m going to sneak you into class with me, in my belly. Say hi to my friends Whopper and Chicken Sandwich while you’re down there. Hopefully you guys will get along. You have a lot in common. You’re all high in calories and easy on my wallet.

12:52 a.m.

I think my friends inside my stomach aren’t getting along as well as I had hoped and have resorted to physical violence to solve their differences. It feels like a re-enactment of the Pompeii volcano disaster inside my stomach, only with Mt. Dew instead of lava.

1:10 p.m.

Ooh, do I have time for some more Ramen before class? I do, don’t I? Um, great.

2:15 p.m.

Class . boring. Very, very sleepy. Wait, do I still have mayo packets in my pockets? Yes. Nothing says mid-class snack like a couple shots of warm mayonnaise. Hey, the French do it. Or is it Canadians? I don’t know.

2:58 p.m.

Seriously, wrap it up, professor. Some people have really pressing matters to attend to right now.

(If I start unbuckling my pants right now, that should save me valuable seconds when I finally get to the toilet. Okay, breathe. Breathe. When did I get a pimple on my upper lip?)

3:10 p.m.

I would like to apologize to the toilet in the second-floor bathroom in Hamilton Hall. And to anyone else who has to use it for the next couple hours.

3:23 p.m.

What does it mean when you get a sharp pain down your left arm? Is that a stroke? I really wish I had health insurance.

4:07 p.m.

Finally, time for dessert. I think I’m in the mood for a Buster Bar from Dairy Queen. Or as I like to call it, happiness on a stick. Oh, I only have 23 cents left. Thank god. It’s finally over. Now I can take a nap.

Afterthoughts

Well, what have we learned from all this? Firstly, in today’s society, it’s really easy to eat a lot of bad, fatty food for really cheap. In fact, the cheaper it is, the worse it usually is for you, and usually the more delicious. Also, the more fat and protein in the food, the harder it is for your body to digest. And the harder to digest, the more energy required to make it happen. Which is why I could barely stay awake in class.

Although I actually gained three pounds today, that’s mostly a combination of water weight and the food that’s still in my system. Technically, I gained more than a half a pound of permanent weight, since I ate 2144 extra calories, and 3500 calories equals 1 pound. So to lose weight, you have to burn off more calories than you consume, and vice versa.

If my culinary adventure today reminded any of you of your own eating habits, you’re probably not alone. Most people aren’t this extreme all the time, but even one or two fast food excursions can really spike your caloric intake and cholesterol. I’m not here to judge you, but at least be aware of what you’re putting your body through. Most people aren’t, and that’s part of the reason we’re the fattest country in the world. Moderation is key, and if you do indulge, at least schedule your bathroom trips ahead of time.