Riddle me this: Have you ever gotten so sick and tired of dealing with life’s responsibilities that you wished you were something else entirely?

Call me crazy – because that’s what I probably am – but I was walking through campus the other day and I couldn’t help but notice the unusual number of rabbits frolicking about, attending to their rabbity duties such as eating, sleeping, being cute and procreating. I honestly stopped, stared and thought to myself, “Dan, wouldn’t life be so much better if you would have been born a rabbit?”

I imagine a day in the life of cute bunny Dan would look something like this: I would wake up in a burrow next to my rabbit family. This would be followed by a breakfast of colorful flowers and plants, fresh from the gardens of the Knoll. Or better yet, a breakfast of pancakes – pancakes graciously given to me by hordes of cute girls who all think I’m adorable.

After breakfast, I would prance around campus, making my presence known. Every time anyone got remotely close to me – or looked like they might throw something at me – I would freeze, my ears would perk up and I would stare at them awkwardly before running into the bushes, inwardly laughing all the way.

Sure, I would be hated by gardeners, Elmer Fudd and vegetables from around the world – but I wouldn’t have to worry about writing term papers, taking essay exams, paying bills or waking up to go to those godforsaken 8 a.m. classes – no offense to any of my 8 a.m. professors. I could sit in the bushes, take frequent naps, mate incessantly and just be dang cute – all the time.

To be honest with you, the column was going to be about how annoying the rabbits of Iowa State are. There are so stinkin’ many of them, and they’re always prancing around like they own the place. But after thinking considerably about them, it’s really unfair to judge them the way we do.

After all, it’s not their fault they were born as rabbits, destined to forever live a life of eating, sleeping and frantically banging each other. I mean, those three things are easy to envy, but imagine doing that all the time.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but us poor humans get to do all kinds of sweet things rabbits could never even fathom. For one, we get to wear shoes. You’re probably saying, “Dude. Shoes aren’t that sweet.” Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong.

Shoes are probably the coolest thing ever invented, besides Nintendo and pizza delivery. They’re so slick and colorful and they come in all different shapes, sizes and types.

There’s Velcro, slip-on, and the ever-popular lace-up variety. They keep our feet from getting filled with all sorts of rocks, snares, tacks, glue and dead bugs and stuff that I’m sure rabbits step in all the time.

Even if a rabbit wanted to wear shoes, it couldn’t. Their feet wouldn’t even stay in human shoes, and they aren’t clever enough nor do they have the tools or appendages required to sculpt bunny-sized footwear. Humans: 1, bunnies: 4.

Our cute, hairy little friends also lack the ability to entertain themselves the way we do. Have you ever seen a bunny play Xbox? I thought not. Have you ever seen them attend a live entertainment act – being pulled out of a hat doesn’t count – breaking it down afterward with their friends in deep, philosophical conversation?

Have you ever seen a bunny fall in love? I don’t think the frequent banging of other bunnies qualifies. How about sing in the shower, play in the rain, read Harry Potter, swing on a playground or go trick-or-treating? That’s like humans: 9, bunnies: 4.

You may say what about Bugs Bunny? The Easter Bunny? Rabbot, the Energizer Bunny, or that freaky-looking bunny thing from “Donnie Darko?”

Easy. We’ve got Samuel L. Jackson, Jesus Christ, John Lennon, Jimmy John, Ed Sullivan, Hulk Hogan, Benjamin Franklin, Tom Barton, P. Diddy and Ghandi, just to name a few. I think it’s obvious which side would win in a fistfight.

To derive some sort of moral out of my pointless rant: Don’t get discouraged in the onslaught of finals, bills, moving stress and growing up. Regardless of whether you ace your finals, find true love or land your dream job and end up rich and successful – at least you weren’t born a rabbit, destined forever to a meaningless existence of eating, sleeping, cuteness and frequent mindless rabbit sex.

– Dan McClanahan is a sophomore in pre-journalism from Ames. He is a Pulse editor.