Trying to find something interesting to write about in the uneventful month of April is a struggle. It’s similar in frustration to finding a somewhat attractive girl at Dangerous Curves. (Not that I’ve been there – I’ve heard things.) With that said, here is a list of things I opted not to write about after much deliberation. I guess I am writing about them although I said I wouldn’t. Confused? So am I.

– The ISU gymnasts. Before I bury them in the middle of this off-color attempt at journalism, we all should congratulate the high-flying, national-advancing, pride-making gymnastics team. The squad is ranked fourth in the nation and is one of 12 finalists to win an NCAA championship.

Besides the wrestlers, who have won eight titles, Iowa State has won only five team NCAA championships in its history. The men’s gymnasts won the title in 1971, 1973 and 1974 and the men’s cross country team won titles in 1989 and 1994.

This raises a few questions: Iowa State had a men’s gymnastics team? Did other programs fear an emerging Cyclone gymnastics dynasty in the early ’70s? Did the gymnasts have the ’70s-style mustaches? Regardless, the women’s team can accomplish something few have accomplished before.

– Phil Mickelson’s poor attempt at the Ben Roethlisberger three-week growth and stoner hair. Hey Phil, you aren’t fooling anybody with your attempt to be hard-core. You are lethal with a titanium stick, but nobody is taking you for a serial killer. Shave it, my man. While we are on golfers’ attire, why did Tiger wear pink on Sunday? I swear I saw that same shirt at Sips on Saturday night. No wonder he tanked.

– The Final Four. How lame was that? For a tournament that was so captivating and competitive for two weeks, we were all treated to three games that were less entertaining than elimiDATE. This is an exchange I saw on elimiDATE the other day:

Guy: I wish you would be able to have more of a conversation.

Girl: I can talk about a lot of different things.

Guy: Like what?

Girl: Like making out.

They then proceeded to trade as much bodily fluid as can be shown on television. And she, in turn, defeated the less promiscuous girl who doesn’t do that type of thing until the second date. Quality stuff.

– Barry Bonds. I imagine Barry going home at night and crying his eyes out now that they took away his juice. He probably has Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” memorized. Yep, now that song is implanted in your head for the rest of the day. Thank me later. “‘Cause you had a bad day, you’re taking one down.”

– Steve Alford having to stay at Iowa because Indiana didn’t want him. How great was that? That’s like your crush telling you she would give you the next dance at the seventh grade mixer, then she goes and gets drunk at the punch bowl. Meanwhile, your current date is obsessed with a guy named Kirk, who everyone likes more than you anyway.

At this point I am actually looking forward to the NHL and NBA playoffs. Maybe something will inspire me. Until then, more elimiDATE.

– Brent Blum is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.