I wonder about a lot of things. And as I have proved before in this space, I am not exactly a sane person. When shopping for apartments the last few months, I got to thinking about what it would be like to live with a public figure while in college. What if Wayne Morgan, Dan McCarney, Jessica Simpson and Ron Artest shared an apartment? Here is my fictional take on the events that would follow.

7:30 p.m. Friday – The roommates are preparing for a night out on the town.

Jessica Simpson: Coach Mac, do you think if I wear this dress, Nick will stop cheating on me?

Dan McCarney: Obviously, Jessica, there’s no doubt about it, that dress looks real, real good. But, you just have to focus on Jessica Simpson. Don’t turn that drink over and take care of Jessica Simpson, and things will fall into place. You know what, Jessica Simpson has had a comeback in the past, and she just has to do what Jessica Simpson does.

Wayne Morgan: Jessica, I think what you should do is look at the tape and figure out what went wrong with Nick. Just look at the tape. The tape will tell all. And if that doesn’t work ask Curtis Stinson. But right now you look like a reindeer on Christmas.

JS (confused): Is that like a chicken?

Ron Artest: Somebody say something about a reindeer? I hate Christmas.

JS: Don’t say that Ron! My daddy thinks Christmas is the bestest! (She proceeds to slap Ron on the back).

RA: Get off me. Nobody touches Ron Artest without retribution. I’m a grown man.

WM: You see Jessica, (as he puts in the tape from the Detroit-Indiana brawl) if you look at the tape, Ron doesn’t like being provoked. As the tape shows, you approach Ron, you get put into place. He’s like a rottweiler when a canary prances about on the kitchen floor on Sundays.

DM: There’s no doubt about it – Ron is a real, real intense guy. He gets a look in his eye and you know he means business. And we all know the Big 12 is the best conference in the nation. The schedule is unbelievable. You have to bring it every day. This is Cyclone football. Ron’s real, real special.

JS: Baylor’s in the Big 12. My daddy went to Baylor!

RA: Wasn’t there a riot down there? I like riots.

DM: That’s a great question Ron. And yeah, yeah there was a riot. But that was a long time ago. And we only worry about the future. This isn’t 1993. This is 2006 and that was old Cyclone football. This is new Cyclone football.

WM: Yes Ron. (Inserts tape of Branch Davidian Waco raid.) As you can see by the tape, this has all the ingredients of a riot. It’s like the chef salad at Applebee’s mixed with the Oriental salad at King Buffet.

JS: Did it have chicken in it?

WM, DM, RA: Oh Jessica!

(The roommates share a laugh and Ron punches a wall).

RA: There goes our security deposit!

WM: I can pay for it. I just came upon a lot of extra money!

(More laughter as the roommates leave for the evening).

– Brent Blum is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.